IMPROVIST

Dec 24

My roommate @molijos got the greatest gift ever (not from me). #xmas #love #jealous #happy #crying

Dec 18

@Secondcity 24 Hour Charity Improv Marathon featuring Fred Armisen, Jason Sudeikis, TJ Jagodowksi, Tim Robinson, Mike O’Brien, …

Dec 15

Christmas coke. @sikeitsmissy #Xmasparty

Dec 13

Meet Wong Simpleton: 1% & Depressed

Wong

Introducing: Wong Simpleton. A software engineer @ Google. Makes $212,000 a year and is clinically depressed. His therapist urged him to write jokes about anything and everything that make him sad. Here they are, through his voice, enjoy!

Sad Things

Oat meal? No, I eat meals.
The best part of waking up, is not having died in your sleep.
Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t feel anything so you cut yourself.
My grandpa smoked weed for the first time and he got all paranoid about having natural causes.
The end of the world is near. Or not, I’m using Apple maps.
My dad called me on my birthday and was like, “Oops, wrong number”.
A recent Harvard study reports that men who have dogs and happy marriages live longer because they don’t kill themselves.
A speeding train crashed into a bus and killed 50 kindergarteners in Egypt. “I wasn’t going there anyway” said Santa Claus.
A Syrian cluster bomb hit a playground, killing 10 children and 1 pedophile.
A city bus crashed into a home, killing a child. An injured passenger shouted, “Hey this aint my stop!”
A recent study says women with blue eyes see better in the dark, so remember to wear a mask.
I went to Amazon.com and got 60% off deforestation.
I just went on Match.com and bought a lighter.
A postcard sent during World War II was finally delivered to a New York State home today, by a mailman with no arms and legs.
Ladies, it’s 2012! The only reason to belong to a “gym”, is if you are married to one.

Reflections

I like meeting my therapist at Starbucks because it’s a great place to vent.
Losing my virginity in Paris was rough because we ran out of louvre.
While in Madrid, I ordered a cafe au lait and got attacked by a bull.
I struggle when coming out of the handicap stall so people won’t judge me.
Now that I’m 30, I choose not to argue with my parents and just stay at the kid’s table.
The only reason I lube with Purell is to check for any open sores before I bareback.
Was so pissed some asshole was giving me a dirty look in his car, but turned out it was just a dude with a lazy eye, in a wheelchair.
Yo, I ain’t scared of no punkass deer, but I am afraid of cariBOO!
This year, I’m spending Christmas at a Yoga Studio cuz I want more presence.
I brought home a fat turkey and my mom said “I wish you’d bring home a skinny woman. A Korean one.”
My nose started running and it got all snotty and pretentious.
I use Gold Bond, cuz I got 99 problems, but an itch ain’t one.
When looking for deals, don’t use Google or you’ll always be searching.
Whenever I see a natural resource, I’m like “Yeah, I’d tap that”.
OMG, I just heard “The Sign” on the radio. I wonder what that means…
I used to be a peeping Tom, but I changed my name.
John Lennon was murdered and exactly two years later I was born. Coincidence?Yes.
I drink Oolong cold, cuz it feels oo wrong.

News Items

Petraeus claims nothing classified was ever leaked on to his mistress. Mistress also claims to have never been leaked upon.
Suffering a minor stroke while playing cards, 72 year old Mike Ditka realized he needs a better poker face.
Today, scientists discovered a ‘homeless’ planet drifting through space and depreciating it.
In other sad Hollywood News, Starz puts a lid on “Boss” starring Kelsie Grahamcracker
Dolphins found shot and stabbed with screwdrivers in Louisiana and Mississippi in despicable acts of violence with no porpoise.
A new GAP billboard features Michael J Fox holding or violently shaking his wife. I can’t tell, it’s not a video.
An antiquated state law in Oklahoma bans Black Friday and also Blacks.
A hysterical woman in Boca Ratone pulls out a kitchen knife on a first date, cutting it short.
Storm kills 1 in southern England, breaking the X-Man code.
Hey Chicago Police Department, a streetlight just zapped out on Clark St. so watch out for Dumbledore.
KC Chiefs beat the Carolina Panthers, then murdered them.

Dec 10

Wong Simpleton’s stand up debut

Dec 02

Is this thing on?

Nov 30

IO Intern Fridays

Nov 29

Spot on

(Source: justcraig, via splitsider)

Headlines Jokes 11/26-11/27

Real News, real jokes, real silly.

Nude AIDS activists invade the office John Boehner, and met by John’s boner.
Bank of America CEO claims he doesn’t recall details of Countrywide acquisition and he wasn’t aware he had to answer “hard” questions.
Hackers target keycard locks in hotels, hoping to leave their mom’s basements.
Federal judge orders Tobacco companies to publicly admit they were aware of killing 1200 Americans a day. DAMN! I need a cigarette.
Man in Florida shoots a 17 year old over loud music with a blunderbuss.
Every day, you forget 80% of what you - hmm…
Chinese Newspaper falls for The Onion’s Sexiest Man Alive: Kim Jong Un and reports a man coming to town, by the name of Santa Claus.
If a dog’s mouth is so clean, why do my balls smell so nasty?
Congo rebels receive unprecedented support from Rwanda, Uganda and LaFawnda from Brooklyn.
Valdimir Putin was injured in judo match by a man who recently moved to Siberia.
Tokyo’s been named the gourmet capital of the world by influential food critic Terry Yaki.
Just 7 months after giving birth, Jessica Simpson is pregnant again, retaining most of her irrelevance.
An American version of the hit series ‘Downton Abbey’ is in the works! Finally, a show celebrating rich people.
Last year, 790 men in the UK got surgery for man boobs, all of who requested 34 double D’s.
Kim Jong Un ships weapons to Syria and Burma, forging strategic alliances with nations more fucked up than his.
Tomorrow, Obama and Romney will meet for a private lunch at the White House to discuss National Treasure 2.
Apple fires the man responsible for Apple Maps, and hires a woman who stops to ask for directions.
Swerving to avoid a pedestrian, a city bus crashed into a home, killing a child. An injured passenger claims he did not request that stop.
Joseph Gordon Levitt to take over the role of the Dark Knight in the upcoming Warner Bros film - ‘Batman: AGAIN! 3D’
Angus T. Jones, star of ‘Two and a Half Men’, calls his situational comedy ‘filth’, then apologizes for using the term ‘comedy’.

Nov 28

Wed night Jazz @ Green Mill