My roommate @molijos got the greatest gift ever (not from me). #xmas #love #jealous #happy #crying
@Secondcity 24 Hour Charity Improv Marathon featuring Fred Armisen, Jason Sudeikis, TJ Jagodowksi, Tim Robinson, Mike O’Brien, …
Christmas coke. @sikeitsmissy #Xmasparty
Meet Wong Simpleton: 1% & Depressed
Introducing: Wong Simpleton. A software engineer @ Google. Makes $212,000 a year and is clinically depressed. His therapist urged him to write jokes about anything and everything that make him sad. Here they are, through his voice, enjoy!
- Sad Things
- Oat meal? No, I eat meals.
- The best part of waking up, is not having died in your sleep.
- Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t feel anything so you cut yourself.
- My grandpa smoked weed for the first time and he got all paranoid about having natural causes.
- The end of the world is near. Or not, I’m using Apple maps.
- My dad called me on my birthday and was like, “Oops, wrong number”.
- A recent Harvard study reports that men who have dogs and happy marriages live longer because they don’t kill themselves.
- A speeding train crashed into a bus and killed 50 kindergarteners in Egypt. “I wasn’t going there anyway” said Santa Claus.
- A Syrian cluster bomb hit a playground, killing 10 children and 1 pedophile.
- A city bus crashed into a home, killing a child. An injured passenger shouted, “Hey this aint my stop!”
- A recent study says women with blue eyes see better in the dark, so remember to wear a mask.
- I went to Amazon.com and got 60% off deforestation.
- I just went on Match.com and bought a lighter.
- A postcard sent during World War II was finally delivered to a New York State home today, by a mailman with no arms and legs.
- Ladies, it’s 2012! The only reason to belong to a “gym”, is if you are married to one.
- I like meeting my therapist at Starbucks because it’s a great place to vent.
- Losing my virginity in Paris was rough because we ran out of louvre.
- While in Madrid, I ordered a cafe au lait and got attacked by a bull.
- I struggle when coming out of the handicap stall so people won’t judge me.
- Now that I’m 30, I choose not to argue with my parents and just stay at the kid’s table.
- The only reason I lube with Purell is to check for any open sores before I bareback.
- Was so pissed some asshole was giving me a dirty look in his car, but turned out it was just a dude with a lazy eye, in a wheelchair.
- Yo, I ain’t scared of no punkass deer, but I am afraid of cariBOO!
- This year, I’m spending Christmas at a Yoga Studio cuz I want more presence.
- I brought home a fat turkey and my mom said “I wish you’d bring home a skinny woman. A Korean one.”
- My nose started running and it got all snotty and pretentious.
- I use Gold Bond, cuz I got 99 problems, but an itch ain’t one.
- When looking for deals, don’t use Google or you’ll always be searching.
- Whenever I see a natural resource, I’m like “Yeah, I’d tap that”.
- OMG, I just heard “The Sign” on the radio. I wonder what that means…
- I used to be a peeping Tom, but I changed my name.
- John Lennon was murdered and exactly two years later I was born. Coincidence?Yes.
- I drink Oolong cold, cuz it feels oo wrong.
- News Items
- Petraeus claims nothing classified was ever leaked on to his mistress. Mistress also claims to have never been leaked upon.
- Suffering a minor stroke while playing cards, 72 year old Mike Ditka realized he needs a better poker face.
- Today, scientists discovered a ‘homeless’ planet drifting through space and depreciating it.
- In other sad Hollywood News, Starz puts a lid on “Boss” starring Kelsie Grahamcracker
- Dolphins found shot and stabbed with screwdrivers in Louisiana and Mississippi in despicable acts of violence with no porpoise.
- A new GAP billboard features Michael J Fox holding or violently shaking his wife. I can’t tell, it’s not a video.
- An antiquated state law in Oklahoma bans Black Friday and also Blacks.
- A hysterical woman in Boca Ratone pulls out a kitchen knife on a first date, cutting it short.
- Storm kills 1 in southern England, breaking the X-Man code.
- Hey Chicago Police Department, a streetlight just zapped out on Clark St. so watch out for Dumbledore.
- KC Chiefs beat the Carolina Panthers, then murdered them.
Wong Simpleton’s stand up debut
Is this thing on?
IO Intern Fridays
(Source: justcraig, via splitsider)
Headlines Jokes 11/26-11/27
Real News, real jokes, real silly.
- Nude AIDS activists invade the office John Boehner, and met by John’s boner.
- Bank of America CEO claims he doesn’t recall details of Countrywide acquisition and he wasn’t aware he had to answer “hard” questions.
- Hackers target keycard locks in hotels, hoping to leave their mom’s basements.
- Federal judge orders Tobacco companies to publicly admit they were aware of killing 1200 Americans a day. DAMN! I need a cigarette.
- Man in Florida shoots a 17 year old over loud music with a blunderbuss.
- Every day, you forget 80% of what you - hmm…
- Chinese Newspaper falls for The Onion’s Sexiest Man Alive: Kim Jong Un and reports a man coming to town, by the name of Santa Claus.
- If a dog’s mouth is so clean, why do my balls smell so nasty?
- Congo rebels receive unprecedented support from Rwanda, Uganda and LaFawnda from Brooklyn.
- Valdimir Putin was injured in judo match by a man who recently moved to Siberia.
- Tokyo’s been named the gourmet capital of the world by influential food critic Terry Yaki.
- Just 7 months after giving birth, Jessica Simpson is pregnant again, retaining most of her irrelevance.
- An American version of the hit series ‘Downton Abbey’ is in the works! Finally, a show celebrating rich people.
- Last year, 790 men in the UK got surgery for man boobs, all of who requested 34 double D’s.
- Kim Jong Un ships weapons to Syria and Burma, forging strategic alliances with nations more fucked up than his.
- Tomorrow, Obama and Romney will meet for a private lunch at the White House to discuss National Treasure 2.
- Apple fires the man responsible for Apple Maps, and hires a woman who stops to ask for directions.
- Swerving to avoid a pedestrian, a city bus crashed into a home, killing a child. An injured passenger claims he did not request that stop.
- Joseph Gordon Levitt to take over the role of the Dark Knight in the upcoming Warner Bros film - ‘Batman: AGAIN! 3D’
- Angus T. Jones, star of ‘Two and a Half Men’, calls his situational comedy ‘filth’, then apologizes for using the term ‘comedy’.
Wed night Jazz @ Green Mill