// Monolog Jokes 6/23 -6/24//

As a part of my summer intensive in Chicago, I’m taking some writing classes as well as improv and musical classes. My biggest issue, as with most writers, is that I lack the discipline to sit down and write. Most people will tell you that there is no secret to writing, it’s work! One particular class is challenging me to write late night monolog style jokes based on the news headlines of the day, everyday.

So I figured that a social contract with the tumblr-verse would help me to stay on track and dissuade me from getting into the lazy zone. I hope 1 or 2 of these will make you giggle, as most of them will undoubtedly make you sound like my mom by saying “so this is what you’re doing in Chicago? Get back to work”.

  • Friday 6/23:
    • After 3 straight days in the 90’s, the National Weather Service announced that Chicago may be in for some relief with a 60% chance of showers and a 40% chance of old people dying of natural causes.
    • Mayor Rahm Emanuel proposes that Chicagoans start saving by buying their electricity in bulk and receiving their tax returns via gift cards for Costco.
    • Yesterday, an ashamed Chicago attorney publicly admitted to turning tricks for $100, and also prostitution.
    • Mayor Rahm Emanuel proposes that Chicago lessen the penalties of marijuana possession to simply a ticket of $250 or an ounce of your finest chronic.
    • Casey Anthony’s journal is set to be published into a book inspired by a true story.
  • Saturday 6/24:
    • A city audit found that the Chicago Fire Department is spending over $84MM  in bonus pay for firefighters who get trained to handle hazardous materials. When asked to comment, the neighborhood mutant replied, “GRAR, RAWR, GWAR!”
    • The city of Chicago is reported to spend over $19MM in “double time salary” to firefighters opting to work on holidays such as “Flag Day”. When asked to comment, Rick Santorum said, “I hate Flaggots”
    • The City Council believes that issuing pot tickets will free up officers to tackle   the recent spike in homicides and violent crimes. The head of the Narcotics Department replied, “Nah, we’re good”.
    • Today, lawyers released a statement alleging that Jerry Sandusky abused one of his five adopted sons while the other four boys developed body dysmorphia.
    • Nadia Palacios admitted to torturing and aiding in the murder of a man who she believed raped her, but turned out to be a case of mistaken identity. In related news, the price of name tags skyrocket.
    • After a drawn out exhumation of her father’s body, reality star and “mob wife” Nora Schwiehs is filing yet another motion to obtain a blood sample to prove the body is indeed her father’s. A Cook County judge responded “Fuhgetabouddit!”
    • After distress calls like “my kids keep fighting over the remote” and “my son won’t eat his dinner”, Chicago PD is changing the way they respond to 911 calls by outsourcing them to India.
    • A 15 year old autistic boy has been found 25 miles away in Glenview after disappearing from a University of Chicago Children’s Hospital last night. The police asked “how did this happen?” and the mother responded by exhaling a plume of smoke and saying “I guess it was the cigarettes”.
    • A recent internet video of a 68 year old lady getting bullied and verbally abused by a group of 7th graders went viral yesterday enraging the public. The embarrassed parents of these students vow to severely punish them by revoking their Youtube privileges.
    • The Supreme Court tossed out fines for cursing and nudity on TV, stating that “the regulations are antiquated and only apply to broadcast networks, so fuck it.”