// Monolog Jokes 6/25//

As a part of my summer intensive in Chicago, I’m taking some writing classes as well as improv and musical classes. My biggest issue, as with most writers, is that I lack the discipline to sit down and write. Most people will tell you that there is no secret to writing, it’s work! One particular class is challenging me to write late night monolog style jokes based on the news headlines of the day, everyday.

So I figured that a social contract with the tumblr-verse would help me to stay on track and dissuade me from getting into the lazy zone. I hope 1 or 2 of these will make you giggle, as most of them will undoubtedly make you sound like my mom by saying “so this is what you’re doing in Chicago? Get back to work”.

Sunday 6/25:

  • SF Giant and two-time Cy Young winner Tim Lincecum is having a surprising year with a 6.19 ERA, making him the biggest fall from grace since Lucifer.
  • Spacecraft Voyager 1 will be the first man-made object to leave the solar system and enter interstellar space - to which God responded, “Ok, that’s enough”
  • Due to softening demand, gas is on track to drop to $3/gallon this fall, inciting hipsters to react by asking “what’s gas?” as they ride off on their fixie.
  • “Women are significantly falling behind men in money management and knowledge of the financial markets” says a survey conducted by Adam Corolla.
  • Oracle CEO Larry Ellison has agreed to pay $600MM for 98% of the Hawaiian island of Lanai - because in today’s economy, buying an entire island would be irresponsible.
  • Twitter had its largest outrage yesterday causing ripples across the global community and forcing people to talk about their days at the dinner table.
  • GM, America’s largest automaker, reports that 3 out of 4 Buicks sold last year were in China. The good news is that 4 Buicks were sold!
  • Charlie Sheen stated that “Anger Management”, a new sit-com premiering on FX, will be his last TV show he does because the public is starting to recognize his transition into a full-blown tiger.
  • Kelly Maconrad, the voice of Pixar’s first female lead, says she didn’t have to learn how to shoot arrows or ride a horse. Instead she learned how to be funny by listening to Adam Corolla’s podcast.
  • The expansive AIDS Memorial Quilt will be displayed at the Smithsonian this summer with over 93,000 names on it. Among the first scheduled visitors are the Sisters of Perpetual Spring Break or “Tri-Delt”