// Monolog Jokes 6/26//

As a part of my summer intensive in Chicago, I’m taking some writing classes as well as improv and musical classes. My biggest issue, as with most writers, is that I lack the discipline to sit down and write. Most people will tell you that there is no secret to writing, it’s work! One particular class is challenging me to write late night monolog style jokes based on the news headlines of the day, everyday.

So I figured that a social contract with the tumblr-verse would help me to stay on track and dissuade me from getting into the lazy zone. I hope 1 or 2 of these will make you giggle, as most of them will undoubtedly make you sound like my mom by saying “so this is what you’re doing in Chicago? Get back to work”.

Monday 6/26:
  • A CTA report reveals that most transit crimes like theft occur on the Red Line. People getting off at Wriggleyville this summer will be forced to count their loss, twice.
  • This year’s Pride parade saw a boost in attendance with over 850,000 spectators cheering for beads - some of who solely used them for wearing.
  • In a historic election, Mohammed Morsi, Egypt’s first Islamist President, inherits a nation torn by unrest and uncertainty. President Obama sent an official state letter saying “Hey, at least you’re not following Bush!”
  • After a lengthy appeal process, UIC Medical Center has finally agreed to perform liver transplant surgeries for two illegal immigrants from Mexico. In related medical news, the state of Arizona suffers a giant heart attack.
  • 7 months into his contract, internal watchdog for the City Council Faisal Kahn requests an additional $200K to investigate how aldermen hire consultants.
  • A Turkish military jet was shot down yesterday when it accidentally entered into the Syrian Air Space. Turkey is calling a meeting with NATO to officially change the status of the neighboring countries as “FRENEMIES”
  • After viewing surprisingly sharp video footage of the bombings in Afghanistan, Senator Dianne Feinsten, head of the Senate Intelligence Committee states that the Drone Strikes were visually stunning but full of plot holes.
  • Jerry Sandusky’s defense attorney pokes fun at his client’s case as an “overblown soap opera” that should be called “All My Children”. In related news, Jerry Sandusky has been shot by his good twin brother.
  • Greece’s new Prime Minister and incoming Finance Minister will be missing this week’s EU Summit discussing their country’s bailout due to separate illnesses. In other news, two men claim a reservation as “Abe Froman: The Sausage King of Chicago”.
  • Pharmacy chain Walgreens expands to Europe by purchasing a 45% share in Alliance Boots. Unempolyed Londoners are excited to see what this “Sudafed” is all about.