// Monolog Jokes 6/27-6/29//

As a part of my summer intensive in Chicago, I’m taking some writing classes as well as improv and musical classes. My biggest issue, as with most writers, is that I lack the discipline to sit down and write. Most people will tell you that there is no secret to writing, it’s work! One particular class is challenging me to write late night monolog style jokes based on the news headlines of the day, everyday.

So I figured that a social contract with the tumblr-verse would help me to stay on track and dissuade me from getting into the lazy zone. I hope 1 or 2 of these will make you giggle, as most of them will undoubtedly make you sound like my mom by saying “so this is what you’re doing in Chicago? Get back to work”.

  • In hopes to curtail the surge in summer violence, Chicago PD is working with ex-felons to bust up fire hydrants and start a game of stickball.
  • A study by the Wall Street Journal finds that Mac users spend significantly more on hotels and travel than their PC counterparts; making the Apple Store the preferred destination for gold diggers.
  • JoJo, one of the world’s last lowland silverback gorillas was moved to The Brookfield Zoo to mate with 2 females who have only done this once before, in college.
  • President Obama was BOO’d by the audience at The Boston Symphony Hall when he angered a crowd of Red Sox fans by using tri-syllabic words.
  • Dwayne Wade’s ex-wife loses custody of her children helping the NBA star maintain his 2012 wining streak.
  • Hot off the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”, last week, the Pentagon celebrated LGBT Pride for the first time by playing a giant game of “Never Have I Ever”.
  • California officials pass a law to make couches and sofas more flame retardant without applying toxic chemicals. An annoying hipster comments, “um you mean flame-challenged?”
  • A new study reveals that post weight loss, carb calories pack on more pounds than protein or fat calories. Kirstie Alley, the former spokeswoman for Weight Watchers, disagrees.
  • The City Council votes to decriminalize marijuana in Chicago. Medical officials ask, “Do we have any Cheetos?”
  • Unlike the rest of the country, the trucking industry is finding it difficult to hire new employees due to weak benefits, harsh working conditions and kids constantly wanting you to pull the damn horn.
  • The National Occupy Movement plans to meet at Philadelphia’s Independence Hall on July 4th, transforming the iconic landmark into a giant port-a-potty.
  • In a historic election, Mohammed Morsi becomes the first civilian leader of Egypt. His first official act in office is to acquire a hand gun.
  • Leaders of France, Spain and Italy join forces to bully the German Chancellor, Angela Merkel, to compromise on the use of the EU bailout funds. Don’t worry Angela, “it gets better”.
  • This Summer’s Olympic Games will be hosted in London for the second time. Much like the Octo-Mom, Londoners are against their tubes getting tied up.
  • Magic Johnson launches his new cable network “Aspire”. Oprah Winfrey praises him for following in her footsteps by making more money.
  • WikiLeaks announced the release of a musical compilation CD called “WOW: 2012 Hits and Assassinations.
  • A Baltimore man was arrested for shooting marbles at a traffic camera with a sling shot. Sources say that he was bailed out by Good Ol’ Mr. Wilson.
  • A lady in New Mexico was arrested for refusing to return Twilight books and DVDs to the local public library. In related news, New Mexico changes their state slogan to “Hey, Nothing Happens Here!”.
  • RIM, the mobile company that makes Blackberries, announced that they are cutting 5,000 jobs, in an email from the CEO sent by his iPhone.
  • Google announced that “Project Glass” will be available in stores in 2014. Pre-sales have gone through the roof globally, by amateur pornographers.