// Monolog Jokes 7/3-7/7//

As a part of my summer intensive in Chicago, I’m taking some writing classes as well as improv and musical classes. My biggest issue, as with most writers, is that I lack the discipline to sit down and write. Most people will tell you that there is no secret to writing, it’s work! One particular class is challenging me to write late night monolog style jokes based on the news headlines of the day, everyday.

So I figured that a social contract with the tumblr-verse would help me to stay on track and dissuade me from getting into the lazy zone. I hope 1 or 2 of these will make you giggle, as most of them will undoubtedly make you sound like my mom by saying “so this is what you’re doing in Chicago? Get back to work.”

  • The Non-Profit org ‘Put Illinois to Work’ is being audited by accountants who have been long unemployed
  • Annual food fest ‘Taste of Chicago’ is being cut down to 5 days due to an increase of better things to do.
  • A teenage boy fell to his death in an abandoned hospital building yesterday. Mitt Romney blames Obamacare.
  • Feds push for teacher evalutions in Illinois. A Chicago public school shut down claiming that its parents are getting divorced.
  • After 20+ years in government, Hillary Clinton has announced she will be leaving the political scene to go watch Magic Mike.
  • Diana Tremblay, GM’s Chief of Manufacturing, is tasked to launch the new line of SUVs and sweeping up the glass cieling.
  • A 12 year old girl collects 150K signatures to outlaw plastic bags. The Mean Girls at her school look for a way to filibuster.
  • A recent study finds that Chicagoans drink 28.9 gallons of beer per capita making Chicago the #1 city for useless studies.
  • Facebook rolls out same sex marriage icons, finally letting gays publicly annouce their commitment to the same sex.
  • Chris Brown releases his 5th studio album “Fortune” which is taking a beating in the charts.
  • After shooting Trayvon Martin, George Zimmerman has been released on $1M bail. The relieved Floridian is excited for Harry Potter World.
  • Hillary Clinton publicly blasts Russia and China for blocking the takedown of the Syrian regime. Great Britain ‘likes’ this.
  • Mitt Romney says the US Unemployment Rate is a “kick in the guts” for Americans, while his Tax Rate is a “donkey punch”.
  • Best Buy lays of 650 members of their Geek Squad causing a major influx in moms’ basements.
  • Last week, Anderson Cooper publicly announced he is gay which inspired Gabourey Sidibe to admit she’s black.
  • California approves the building of a railway between LA and SF, providing San Franciscans another way to avoid Los Angeles.
  • 3 canines were set on fire and discarded in Philly. Local officials are worried the cheesesteak capital will now be known for hot dogs.
  • Speed eating phenom Kobayashi was defeated by nemesis Joey Chestnut. Sources say the shamed runner up had his abdomen filled with his own dagger.
  • 115 million Americans experienced a record breaking heat wave this week, helping Mr. Softee develop a brand new cocaine habit.
  • Tomorrow, an internet blackout caused by the malware DNSChanger will force millions of teens to get off on their imaginations.
  • A California jockey died from a violent fall off his steed. When asked for a comment, his horse responded, “Nay!”
  • A lifeguard in Florida was fired for leaving his post to save a man drowning in an adjacent area of the ocean called Cuba.
  • “Happy Days” actors settled a merchandising lawsuit with CBS proving that Joanie loves Chotchkies.