// A Chat with Peter Gwinn//

I’d like to share a conversation I recently had with Peter Gwinn (Founder of Baby Wants Candy, Emmy Winner from Colbert, no one special). He is now back in Chi and plays in only 1 improv show, with 3033 a team he used to coach before he left Chicago and I asked why?

His response (paraphrased): “I’ve learned that it takes about 4 years for an ensemble to become GREAT. I got to experience it with BWC in Chicago and then at the UCB and BWC in New York. Those guys got really good. I mean REAL GOOD. Sure I can come back and drop in and play but I just can’t put in that time to become great with another new ensemble. I’m married and I’ve got kids. This show [3033] is easy. I know these guys, worked with them and Sundays are just fun, relaxed, no pressure and actually, in tonight’s show we started clicking in that way again…”

This made me think. If someone like Peter Gwinn and the cats he’s working with take that long to achieve ONE great ensemble, where does that put me? It’s hard to watch amazingly talented people (and teams) and want to be there, NOW. But I realize there’s really no short cut to it. It’s work. The good news is, is that the work seems to pay off so for everyone out there who’s feeling frustrated or going through the  woeful “ improviser’s valley” - hang in there. It gets better. Then worse. Then better. Then worse. Then great.

// Meet Wong Simpleton: 1% & Depressed//

Introducing: Wong Simpleton. A software engineer @ Google. Makes $212,000 a year and is clinically depressed. His therapist urged him to write jokes about anything and everything that make him sad. Here they are, through his voice, enjoy!

• Sad Things
• Oat meal? No, I eat meals.
• The best part of waking up, is not having died in your sleep.
• Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t feel anything so you cut yourself.
• My grandpa smoked weed for the first time and he got all paranoid about having natural causes.
• The end of the world is near. Or not, I’m using Apple maps.
• My dad called me on my birthday and was like, “Oops, wrong number”.
• A recent Harvard study reports that men who have dogs and happy marriages live longer because they don’t kill themselves.
• A speeding train crashed into a bus and killed 50 kindergarteners in Egypt. “I wasn’t going there anyway” said Santa Claus.
• A Syrian cluster bomb hit a playground, killing 10 children and 1 pedophile.
• A city bus crashed into a home, killing a child. An injured passenger shouted, “Hey this aint my stop!”
• A recent study says women with blue eyes see better in the dark, so remember to wear a mask.
• I went to Amazon.com and got 60% off deforestation.
• I just went on Match.com  and bought a lighter.
• A postcard sent during World War II was finally delivered to a New York State home today, by a mailman with no arms and legs.
• Ladies, it’s 2012! The only reason to belong to a “gym”, is if you are married to one.
• Reflections
• I like meeting my therapist at Starbucks because it’s a great place to vent.
• Losing my virginity in Paris was rough because we ran out of louvre.
• While in Madrid, I ordered a cafe au lait and got attacked by a bull.
• I struggle when coming out of the handicap stall so people won’t judge me.
• Now that I’m 30, I choose not to argue with my parents and just stay at the kid’s table.
• The only reason I lube with Purell is to check for any open sores before I bareback.
• Was so pissed some asshole was giving me a dirty look in his car, but turned out it was just a dude with a lazy eye, in a wheelchair.
• Yo, I ain’t scared of no punkass deer, but I am afraid of cariBOO!
• This year, I’m spending Christmas at a Yoga Studio cuz I want more presence.
• I brought home a fat turkey and my mom said “I wish you’d bring home a skinny woman. A Korean one.”
• My nose started running and it got all snotty and pretentious.
• I use Gold Bond, cuz I got 99 problems, but an itch ain’t one.
• When looking for deals, don’t use Google or you’ll always be searching.
• Whenever I see a natural resource, I’m like “Yeah, I’d tap that”.
• OMG, I just heard “The Sign” on the radio. I wonder what that means…
• I used to be a peeping Tom, but I changed my name.
• John Lennon was murdered and exactly two years later I was born. Coincidence?Yes.
• I drink Oolong cold, cuz it feels oo wrong.
• News Items
• Petraeus claims nothing classified was ever leaked on to his mistress. Mistress also claims to have never been leaked upon.
• Suffering a minor stroke while playing cards, 72 year old Mike Ditka realized he needs a better poker face. 
• Today, scientists discovered a ‘homeless’ planet drifting through space and depreciating it.
• In other sad Hollywood News, Starz puts a lid on “Boss” starring Kelsie Grahamcracker
• Dolphins found shot and stabbed with screwdrivers in Louisiana and Mississippi in despicable acts of violence with no porpoise. 
• A new GAP billboard features Michael J Fox holding or violently shaking his wife. I can’t tell, it’s not a video.
• An antiquated state law in Oklahoma bans Black Friday and also Blacks.
• A hysterical woman in Boca Ratone pulls out a kitchen knife on a first date, cutting it short.
• Storm kills 1 in southern England, breaking the X-Man code.
• Hey Chicago Police Department, a streetlight just zapped out on Clark St. so watch out for Dumbledore.
• KC Chiefs beat the Carolina Panthers, then murdered them.

// Headlines Jokes 11/26-11/27//

Real News, real jokes, real silly.

• Nude AIDS activists invade the office John Boehner, and met by John’s boner.
• Bank of America CEO claims he doesn’t recall details of Countrywide acquisition and he wasn’t aware he had to answer “hard” questions.
• Hackers target keycard locks in hotels, hoping to leave their mom’s basements.
• Federal judge orders Tobacco companies to publicly admit they were aware of killing 1200 Americans a day. DAMN! I need a cigarette.
• Man in Florida shoots a 17 year old over loud music with a blunderbuss.
• Every day, you forget 80% of what you - hmm…
• Chinese Newspaper falls for The Onion’s Sexiest Man Alive: Kim Jong Un and reports a man coming to town, by the name of Santa Claus.
• If a dog’s mouth is so clean, why do my balls smell so nasty?
• Congo rebels receive unprecedented support from Rwanda, Uganda and LaFawnda from Brooklyn.
• Valdimir Putin was injured in judo match by a man who recently moved to Siberia.
• Tokyo’s been named the gourmet capital of the world by influential food critic Terry Yaki.
• Just 7 months after giving birth, Jessica Simpson is pregnant again, retaining most of her irrelevance.
• An American version of the hit series ‘Downton Abbey’ is in the works! Finally, a show celebrating rich people.
• Last year, 790 men in the UK got surgery for man boobs, all of who requested 34 double D’s.
• Kim Jong Un ships weapons to Syria and Burma, forging strategic alliances with nations more fucked up than his.
• Tomorrow, Obama and Romney will meet for a private lunch at the White House to discuss National Treasure 2.
• Apple fires the man responsible for Apple Maps, and hires a woman who stops to ask for directions.
• Swerving to avoid a pedestrian, a city bus crashed into a home, killing a child. An injured passenger claims he did not request that stop.
• Joseph Gordon Levitt to take over the role of the Dark Knight in the upcoming Warner Bros film - ‘Batman: AGAIN! 3D’
• Angus T. Jones, star of ‘Two and a Half Men’, calls his situational comedy ‘filth’, then apologizes for using the term ‘comedy’.

// Twisty News - 11/24/12//

Real headlines, twisted punchlines. Some aren’t even news items; just good ol’ silliness to break up your day. Enjoy!

• A hysterical woman in Boca Ratone pulls out a kitchen knife on a first date, cutting it short.
• A gas explosion blows up a strip club in Springfield, IL, injuring 21 people and killing 9 girls’ dreams of nursing school.
• Oat meal? No, I eat meals.
• A Swedish woman was arrested for making love to a skeleton, but she claims that they were just bonin’.
• Honestly, if Starbucks didn’t have free WiFi, I would stop watching day porn.
• Critics are heralding Ang Lee’s ‘Life of Pi’ as a cinematic masterpiece with stunning visuals of tasteful butt sex.
• I heard Green Tea was super anti-oxidant. But don’t we all hate accidents?
• A postcard sent during World War II was finally delivered to a New York State home today, by a mailman with no arms and legs.
• My nose started running and it got all snotty and pretentious.
• Hot desert mud is the fasting growing export to leave Nevada, second to shame.

// Shush Your Kids!//

Splitting my time all week between Old Town, Wriggleyville and Uptown, I find myself on the CTA Red Line quite often. Mix incenessant construction with Cubs traffic and a rush hour exodus from the Loop and you get a consistently overcrowded, smelly and loud (if not violent and criminal) train ride.

Today, amidst the special concentration of Thanksgiving weekend, I was in a more agitated state when I heard the unholy screeching of a demonic child thrashing around in her stroller. We were too tightly packed in for me to swing my fat head around to identify and psychically scold the devil babe. So I stood there, cursing myself for not bringing ear phones and cursing the mother that bore this hölle kind.

Then I started thinking - Why do mothers NOT shush their children? I don’t get it. I understand the need to raise your children with less boundaries to promote experiential development, but come on! Shush your fucking kid! I started to become angrier at the mother than I was at the child. The kid doesn’t know better, how would it? It’s a stupid baby, a moron, no sense of right or wrong. But the mother does! Shush your kid! What is she supposed to learn from this? That you can act like a fucking asshole on a train and get away with it? That’s not life! That’s not how it works sister; if you don’t want your daughter to grow up to be a horrible, spoiled little twat, SHUSH YOUR KID!

Bing Bong, the train doors slide open at Belmont to let out a stream of commuters. I turned around to face the duo responsible for my excited state of train-rage. And that’s when my face flushed with so much heat, I thought my head could explode into a bloody geiser. There she stood, the mother, wearing a cheap polyester track suit and a ponytail, defeated, pushing around a child of an age no younger than 12. That’s when I knew I had some serious anger issues. I was enraged at a mother trying to cope with an unruly, developmentally challenged tween, in a fancy wheelchair.

She started to thrash around and scream. Mortified, I turned my gaze quickly stared sharply into the corner. Then something fucking amazing happened.  A man walked into the car and notices the commotion and comments, “Oh, first time in a carriage, huh?” The mother, without ever making eye contact, “Nope.” Bing Bong.