// Meet Wong Simpleton: 1% & Depressed//

Introducing: Wong Simpleton. A software engineer @ Google. Makes $212,000 a year and is clinically depressed. His therapist urged him to write jokes about anything and everything that make him sad. Here they are, through his voice, enjoy!

• Sad Things
• Oat meal? No, I eat meals.
• The best part of waking up, is not having died in your sleep.
• Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t feel anything so you cut yourself.
• My grandpa smoked weed for the first time and he got all paranoid about having natural causes.
• The end of the world is near. Or not, I’m using Apple maps.
• My dad called me on my birthday and was like, “Oops, wrong number”.
• A recent Harvard study reports that men who have dogs and happy marriages live longer because they don’t kill themselves.
• A speeding train crashed into a bus and killed 50 kindergarteners in Egypt. “I wasn’t going there anyway” said Santa Claus.
• A Syrian cluster bomb hit a playground, killing 10 children and 1 pedophile.
• A city bus crashed into a home, killing a child. An injured passenger shouted, “Hey this aint my stop!”
• A recent study says women with blue eyes see better in the dark, so remember to wear a mask.
• I went to Amazon.com and got 60% off deforestation.
• I just went on Match.com  and bought a lighter.
• A postcard sent during World War II was finally delivered to a New York State home today, by a mailman with no arms and legs.
• Ladies, it’s 2012! The only reason to belong to a “gym”, is if you are married to one.
• Reflections
• I like meeting my therapist at Starbucks because it’s a great place to vent.
• Losing my virginity in Paris was rough because we ran out of louvre.
• While in Madrid, I ordered a cafe au lait and got attacked by a bull.
• I struggle when coming out of the handicap stall so people won’t judge me.
• Now that I’m 30, I choose not to argue with my parents and just stay at the kid’s table.
• The only reason I lube with Purell is to check for any open sores before I bareback.
• Was so pissed some asshole was giving me a dirty look in his car, but turned out it was just a dude with a lazy eye, in a wheelchair.
• Yo, I ain’t scared of no punkass deer, but I am afraid of cariBOO!
• This year, I’m spending Christmas at a Yoga Studio cuz I want more presence.
• I brought home a fat turkey and my mom said “I wish you’d bring home a skinny woman. A Korean one.”
• My nose started running and it got all snotty and pretentious.
• I use Gold Bond, cuz I got 99 problems, but an itch ain’t one.
• When looking for deals, don’t use Google or you’ll always be searching.
• Whenever I see a natural resource, I’m like “Yeah, I’d tap that”.
• OMG, I just heard “The Sign” on the radio. I wonder what that means…
• I used to be a peeping Tom, but I changed my name.
• John Lennon was murdered and exactly two years later I was born. Coincidence?Yes.
• I drink Oolong cold, cuz it feels oo wrong.
• News Items
• Petraeus claims nothing classified was ever leaked on to his mistress. Mistress also claims to have never been leaked upon.
• Suffering a minor stroke while playing cards, 72 year old Mike Ditka realized he needs a better poker face. 
• Today, scientists discovered a ‘homeless’ planet drifting through space and depreciating it.
• In other sad Hollywood News, Starz puts a lid on “Boss” starring Kelsie Grahamcracker
• Dolphins found shot and stabbed with screwdrivers in Louisiana and Mississippi in despicable acts of violence with no porpoise. 
• A new GAP billboard features Michael J Fox holding or violently shaking his wife. I can’t tell, it’s not a video.
• An antiquated state law in Oklahoma bans Black Friday and also Blacks.
• A hysterical woman in Boca Ratone pulls out a kitchen knife on a first date, cutting it short.
• Storm kills 1 in southern England, breaking the X-Man code.
• Hey Chicago Police Department, a streetlight just zapped out on Clark St. so watch out for Dumbledore.
• KC Chiefs beat the Carolina Panthers, then murdered them.

// Headlines Jokes 11/26-11/27//

Real News, real jokes, real silly.

• Nude AIDS activists invade the office John Boehner, and met by John’s boner.
• Bank of America CEO claims he doesn’t recall details of Countrywide acquisition and he wasn’t aware he had to answer “hard” questions.
• Hackers target keycard locks in hotels, hoping to leave their mom’s basements.
• Federal judge orders Tobacco companies to publicly admit they were aware of killing 1200 Americans a day. DAMN! I need a cigarette.
• Man in Florida shoots a 17 year old over loud music with a blunderbuss.
• Every day, you forget 80% of what you - hmm…
• Chinese Newspaper falls for The Onion’s Sexiest Man Alive: Kim Jong Un and reports a man coming to town, by the name of Santa Claus.
• If a dog’s mouth is so clean, why do my balls smell so nasty?
• Congo rebels receive unprecedented support from Rwanda, Uganda and LaFawnda from Brooklyn.
• Valdimir Putin was injured in judo match by a man who recently moved to Siberia.
• Tokyo’s been named the gourmet capital of the world by influential food critic Terry Yaki.
• Just 7 months after giving birth, Jessica Simpson is pregnant again, retaining most of her irrelevance.
• An American version of the hit series ‘Downton Abbey’ is in the works! Finally, a show celebrating rich people.
• Last year, 790 men in the UK got surgery for man boobs, all of who requested 34 double D’s.
• Kim Jong Un ships weapons to Syria and Burma, forging strategic alliances with nations more fucked up than his.
• Tomorrow, Obama and Romney will meet for a private lunch at the White House to discuss National Treasure 2.
• Apple fires the man responsible for Apple Maps, and hires a woman who stops to ask for directions.
• Swerving to avoid a pedestrian, a city bus crashed into a home, killing a child. An injured passenger claims he did not request that stop.
• Joseph Gordon Levitt to take over the role of the Dark Knight in the upcoming Warner Bros film - ‘Batman: AGAIN! 3D’
• Angus T. Jones, star of ‘Two and a Half Men’, calls his situational comedy ‘filth’, then apologizes for using the term ‘comedy’.

// Headline Jokes: 11/25- 11/26//

Two days of news punchlines and other silly shit:

• Ladies, it’s 2012! The only reason to belong to a “gym”, is if you are married to one.
• Storm kills 1 in southern England, breaking the X-Man code.
• Gangnam Style’ reaches 805 million views, making Psy the most famous celebrity you wouldn’t fuck.
• My sister knows my type, so she hooked me up with someone who’s face looks like my left hand.
• A Swedish study finds men with above average muscle strength live longer than men who give up.
• Every time I go to Carvel, I feel like a winner ordering Cookies N’ Kareem Abdul Jabbar.
• Unfortunately, a garment factory burned down in Bangladesh. Fortunately it was Ed Hardy’s.
• I use Gold Bond, cuz I got 99 problems, but an itch ain’t one.
• A woman in Florida was arrested for riding an endangered manatee and never calling him back.
• “Uh, excuse me, you mean Womanatee?”, replied the annoying endangered animal.
• Israel’s Minister of Defense suddenly resigned today, allowing him to be more strategic on eBay.
• A new law in Saudi Arabia makes sure that when women try to leave the country, their guardians are alerted by a smoke signal.
• Scandalous Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi offers to run for office again if the new party candidate cannot be bought.
• When looking for deals, don’t use Google or you’ll always be searching.
• A Brooklyn store owner narrowly escapes serial killer by swapping his hat for a lampshade
• After a twitter brawl with comedian Jenny Johnson, Chris Brown shuts down his account and starts a real brawl with Rihanna’s face.
• Researchers find that smoking rots your brain faster than listening to a song by Rebecca Black.
• The Powerball jackpot reaches record high of $500M, causing a frenzy of tickets purchased by the U.S. government.
• A Syrian cluster bomb hits a playground, killing 10 children and a pedophile. 
• If I win the lottery, I’d give 1/2 to Charity, my favorite stripper.

// Twisty News - 11/24/12//

Real headlines, twisted punchlines. Some aren’t even news items; just good ol’ silliness to break up your day. Enjoy!

• A hysterical woman in Boca Ratone pulls out a kitchen knife on a first date, cutting it short.
• A gas explosion blows up a strip club in Springfield, IL, injuring 21 people and killing 9 girls’ dreams of nursing school.
• Oat meal? No, I eat meals.
• A Swedish woman was arrested for making love to a skeleton, but she claims that they were just bonin’.
• Honestly, if Starbucks didn’t have free WiFi, I would stop watching day porn.
• Critics are heralding Ang Lee’s ‘Life of Pi’ as a cinematic masterpiece with stunning visuals of tasteful butt sex.
• I heard Green Tea was super anti-oxidant. But don’t we all hate accidents?
• A postcard sent during World War II was finally delivered to a New York State home today, by a mailman with no arms and legs.
• My nose started running and it got all snotty and pretentious.
• Hot desert mud is the fasting growing export to leave Nevada, second to shame.

// Post Thanksgiving BLARGH!//

Thanksgiving was quiet and intimate this year, per usual. Not sure if it was weight of all the starchy sides, but I felt extremely heavy and unproductive. But did manage eek out 20 jokes - Thanksgiving and headline based over the holiday lull.

I’m trying to be OK with not strictly writing headline jokes, but because I’m not a natural news junkie, I feel like I have to train myself to stay on top of current events and world economies, politics, blargh, blorf, brrrffphhhhh. Here they are, thanks for continuing to read these, if you are!

• A Police Officer in Florida resigns after admitting he’d volunteer to kill Obama if he was wearing a hoodie. 
• On Thanksgiving, I love listening to the Lonely Island classic: “I’m on a Gravy Boat!”
• My doctor says I should really stop eating when I’m full, so I’m getting a third opinion.
• I feel bad for people who have to work at Walmart on Black Friday, and every other day.
• I used to participate in Black Friday but I ran out of face paint.
• Yo, I just got the worst deal on Black Friday, so I’ll fold.
• Woke up at 5AM so I can be the first in line for the ‘As Seen on eBay’ store.
• I went to Amazon.com and got 60% off deforestation.
• Eating leftovers this morning makes me feel like I lost last night.
• Nothing helps you appreciate what you have until you spend Thanksgiving with a vegetarian.
• Mohammed Morsi claims that he was divinely appointed to lead Egypt. “Damn, y’all still around?”, asked God.
• Yassir Arafat’s body will be exhumed next week because a cease-fire in the Middle East is boring.
• Washington DC’s infamous murder rate is at a record low this year at less than 100 per minute.
• Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivick complains about strict conditions in prison and requests he be allowed to kill people.
• An antiquated state law in Oklahoma bans Black Friday and also Blacks.
• Celebs pay $200K for a ticket on Virgin Galactic, which includes a half-can of Diet Coke.
• A coin dating back to colonial Massachusetts was found in a field and sold for $430K, which in 1652, was only worth 2 slaves.
• Scientist discovered a gene that can predict the time of day you will die, so if I’m not tweeting after 3PM, call someone.
• Google Fiber rolling out faster internet & better customer service than cable, causing Xfinity to change their name to Xfinished.
• A British man stood naked for 3 hours on top of a statue of Prince George, politely apologizing the whole time.

// Wake and Make Jokes//

• News Corp pays $670M for the Yankees’ Network, and YES, I’m still unemployed.
• The Big Ten adds U of Maryland and Rutgers U to their conference, totaling 14 schools that probably won’t get you a job.
• Voice of Elmo, Kevin Clash, resigns from Sesame Street to work on MTV’s Sweet 16.
• I struggle when coming out of the handicap stall so people won’t judge me.
• Now that I’m 30, I choose not to argue with my parents and just stay at the kid’s table.
• Caricaturists are usually super humble because they have tiny heads.
• The only reason I lube with Purell is to check for any open sores before I bareback.
• Fiona Apple cancels her concert to be with her dying dog, causing male ticket holders to get laid another night.
• In other sad Hollywood News, Starz puts a lid on “Boss”, starring Kelsie Grahamcracker.
• A recent study says women with blue eyes see better in the dark, so remember to wear a mask.
• Was so pissed some asshole gave me a dirty look in his car, but turned out it was just a dude with a lazy eye, in a wheelchair.
• A recent study found that eating bananas in public will attract mosquitos and depraved men.
• A new GAP billboard features Michael J Fox holding or violently shaking his wife. I can’t tell, it’s not a video.
• Since 2008, we are seeing a record number of new homes being built by tiny hands overseas.
• Critics slam Lindsay Lohan’s performance as Elizabeth Taylor, though she never reads bad reviews because of her illiteracy.
• A Polish man confesses his Parliament bombing plan to a priest, using a megaphone.
• When I was young, I wanted to be a Triad member because they were into cool shit like Honda Civics and sex slavery.
• Dolphins found shot and stabbed with screwdrivers in Louisiana and Mississippi, in despicable acts of violence with no porpoise. 
• Buffets play slow background music to make you eat slower so you don’t suffocate while filling the emotional void.
• A hunter in Oregon was crushed by tree working for PETA.

// Headline Jokes: 11/17/12//

More twists on real news:

• When weapons-grade Uranium is produced by Iran, you run.
• A gun shop in Pinetop, Arizona refuses to serve Obama voters, alienating zero people.
• Suffering a minor stroke while playing cards, 72 year old Mike Ditka realized he needs a better poker face. 
• NY District Attorney, Mark Suben, admits to acting in adult films including ‘Raw School’, ‘A Torn Knee’ and ‘Pee Bargain’.
• A Stanford Genetics professor claims that humanity has been dumbing down for thousands of years, or something like that.
• Indiana man got paid $15K to get the Romney/Ryan campaign logo permanently tattooed on his face. “That’s fucking retarded”, said Mike Tyson.
• Kevin Clash, Elmo’s puppeteer, paid his lover $125,000 to label their sex as ‘adult’ and ‘consensual’ instead of ‘nasty’.
• A speeding train crashes into a bus and kills 50 kindergarteners in Egypt. “I wasn’t going there anyway” said Santa Claus.
• Today, scientists discovered a ‘homeless’ planet drifting through space and depreciating it.
• Losing my virginity in Paris was rough because we ran out of louvre.

// Headline Jokes: 11/16/12//

More twists on real news:

• No more Twinkies? Boystown just got beefier.
• NASA’s feed of the Leonids meteor shower will be over Huntsville, Alabama, where hundreds will wish for Abe Lincoln to have never existed.
• Two different women claim Petraeus invited them to the White House but swear they kept the door open.
• Hamas fires a rocket into Jerusalem canceling a highly anticipated concert by Lady Gaza.
• IKEA apologizes for using East German prisoners to make beds they could never sleep on.
• Astronomers have discovered MACS0647-JD, the oldest galaxy in the universe which remains extremely gassy and racist.
• Cost of First-Class stamps to rise 1 penny causing Americans to continue using email, for free.
• Mother of Missouri man thwarts plan to shoot up Twilight movie goers by totally shrinking his trench coat.
• Criticizing Russia’s judgment to incarcerate, Angela Merkel supports punk rockers ‘Pussy Riot’, through ‘meek protest’.
• With 12% of its population ailing from Diabetes, Mississippi to start replacing insulin shots for toys in their Happy Meals.

// Monolog Jokes 7/3-7/7//

As a part of my summer intensive in Chicago, I’m taking some writing classes as well as improv and musical classes. My biggest issue, as with most writers, is that I lack the discipline to sit down and write. Most people will tell you that there is no secret to writing, it’s work! One particular class is challenging me to write late night monolog style jokes based on the news headlines of the day, everyday.

So I figured that a social contract with the tumblr-verse would help me to stay on track and dissuade me from getting into the lazy zone. I hope 1 or 2 of these will make you giggle, as most of them will undoubtedly make you sound like my mom by saying “so this is what you’re doing in Chicago? Get back to work.”

• The Non-Profit org ‘Put Illinois to Work’ is being audited by accountants who have been long unemployed
• Annual food fest ‘Taste of Chicago’ is being cut down to 5 days due to an increase of better things to do.
• A teenage boy fell to his death in an abandoned hospital building yesterday. Mitt Romney blames Obamacare.
• Feds push for teacher evalutions in Illinois. A Chicago public school shut down claiming that its parents are getting divorced.
• After 20+ years in government, Hillary Clinton has announced she will be leaving the political scene to go watch Magic Mike.
• Diana Tremblay, GM’s Chief of Manufacturing, is tasked to launch the new line of SUVs and sweeping up the glass cieling.
• A 12 year old girl collects 150K signatures to outlaw plastic bags. The Mean Girls at her school look for a way to filibuster.
• A recent study finds that Chicagoans drink 28.9 gallons of beer per capita making Chicago the #1 city for useless studies.
• Facebook rolls out same sex marriage icons, finally letting gays publicly annouce their commitment to the same sex.
• Chris Brown releases his 5th studio album “Fortune” which is taking a beating in the charts.
• After shooting Trayvon Martin, George Zimmerman has been released on $1M bail. The relieved Floridian is excited for Harry Potter World.
• Hillary Clinton publicly blasts Russia and China for blocking the takedown of the Syrian regime. Great Britain ‘likes’ this.
• Mitt Romney says the US Unemployment Rate is a “kick in the guts” for Americans, while his Tax Rate is a “donkey punch”.
• Best Buy lays of 650 members of their Geek Squad causing a major influx in moms’ basements.
• Last week, Anderson Cooper publicly announced he is gay which inspired Gabourey Sidibe to admit she’s black.
• California approves the building of a railway between LA and SF, providing San Franciscans another way to avoid Los Angeles.
• 3 canines were set on fire and discarded in Philly. Local officials are worried the cheesesteak capital will now be known for hot dogs.
• Speed eating phenom Kobayashi was defeated by nemesis Joey Chestnut. Sources say the shamed runner up had his abdomen filled with his own dagger.
• 115 million Americans experienced a record breaking heat wave this week, helping Mr. Softee develop a brand new cocaine habit.
• Tomorrow, an internet blackout caused by the malware DNSChanger will force millions of teens to get off on their imaginations.
• A California jockey died from a violent fall off his steed. When asked for a comment, his horse responded, “Nay!”
• A lifeguard in Florida was fired for leaving his post to save a man drowning in an adjacent area of the ocean called Cuba.
• “Happy Days” actors settled a merchandising lawsuit with CBS proving that Joanie loves Chotchkies.

// Monolog Jokes 6/30-7/2//

So I figured that a social contract with the tumblr-verse would help me to stay on track and dissuade me from getting into the lazy zone. I hope 1 or 2 of these will make you giggle, as most of them will undoubtedly make you sound like my mom by saying “so this is what you’re doing in Chicago? Get back to work.”

• New TV ads for the Obama Campaign criticize Romney for outsourcing jobs as CEO of Bain & Co. The Romney campaign responds with TV ads for Bain & Co.
• Mitt Romney plans to travel to Israel this summer. The republican candiate is worried the current climate of the middle east will ruin his perfect hair.
• Beloved American actor, Andy Griffith passed away this week causing people around the world to vaguely recognize him on Wikipedia.
• Opting for a cheaper laser alternative, Aspen cut their usual fireworks for an intricate display of citizens waving around laser pointers.
• First term Gov. Rick Snyder of Michigan surprisingly vetoes a Voter ID Bill stating, “Awesome, I popped my Veto cherry!”
• Five climbers fell to their deaths on the Italian Alps after reaching their summit. A French climber commented that like all things, even the Alps are better in France.
• The French Police searched the home of former President Nicolas Sarkozy for evidence of illegally financing his election. Both Mitt Romney and President Obama praised the difficulty of tainting American politics, due to no limits on Corporate Donations.
• Due to ecological red flags, China will prohibit serving Shark Fin Soup in all official state ballrooms. Next week, China hosts President and Michelle Obama at Chang’s Shark Emporium and Buffet.
• The Ukrainian Parliament passed a bill reaffirming ‘Ukrainian’ as the sole national language, making ‘Russian’ speakers the Mexicans of Ukraine.
• The official motto of the Olympic Games this year is “Swifter, Higher, Stronger”, making the entire world wonder if anyone still gives a shit about Archery.
• Facebook blames NASDAQ for it’s botched I.P.O.; CEO Mark Zuckerberg is upset that  he has to wait till Christmas to buy himself an island.
• Apple paid $60MM to buy the trademark for ‘iPad’ in China. The tech giant owned the name for 2 days before it fell apart and caused lead poisoning.
• An NYC judge ordered Twitter to release an Occupy protestor’s tweets to the court. Almost all 3,000 of them consisted of twitpics of gross hippie tits.
• Today The FDA approved an at home H.I.V. test while Trojan filed for bankruptcy.
• An increase in commercial ships have contributed to the stark drop in the Blue Whale population. “I am fricking pissed!” exclaimed Poseidon. 
• A study by the BMJ found that a low-carb, high protein diet may increase the risk of heart disease, but will definitely increase the attention you get in a bikini.
• A recent study suggests that mental illness can be caused by a premature birth. Doctors say that mothers can carry to full term by thinking about baseball.
• Fans of WeatherUnderground.com are upset at recent acquisition by The Weather Channel. Fans are urged to find anything else to be a fanatic about.
• The IMF lowered its expectations for US’s economic growth this year. China was quick to remind the US that an A- is not an A.
• Popular English Soccer club Manchester United files for IPO, hoping to raise capital for the entire franchise to get Invisalign.