// Meet Wong Simpleton: 1% & Depressed//

Introducing: Wong Simpleton. A software engineer @ Google. Makes $212,000 a year and is clinically depressed. His therapist urged him to write jokes about anything and everything that make him sad. Here they are, through his voice, enjoy!

• Sad Things
• Oat meal? No, I eat meals.
• The best part of waking up, is not having died in your sleep.
• Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t feel anything so you cut yourself.
• My grandpa smoked weed for the first time and he got all paranoid about having natural causes.
• The end of the world is near. Or not, I’m using Apple maps.
• My dad called me on my birthday and was like, “Oops, wrong number”.
• A recent Harvard study reports that men who have dogs and happy marriages live longer because they don’t kill themselves.
• A speeding train crashed into a bus and killed 50 kindergarteners in Egypt. “I wasn’t going there anyway” said Santa Claus.
• A Syrian cluster bomb hit a playground, killing 10 children and 1 pedophile.
• A city bus crashed into a home, killing a child. An injured passenger shouted, “Hey this aint my stop!”
• A recent study says women with blue eyes see better in the dark, so remember to wear a mask.
• I went to Amazon.com and got 60% off deforestation.
• I just went on Match.com  and bought a lighter.
• A postcard sent during World War II was finally delivered to a New York State home today, by a mailman with no arms and legs.
• Ladies, it’s 2012! The only reason to belong to a “gym”, is if you are married to one.
• Reflections
• I like meeting my therapist at Starbucks because it’s a great place to vent.
• Losing my virginity in Paris was rough because we ran out of louvre.
• While in Madrid, I ordered a cafe au lait and got attacked by a bull.
• I struggle when coming out of the handicap stall so people won’t judge me.
• Now that I’m 30, I choose not to argue with my parents and just stay at the kid’s table.
• The only reason I lube with Purell is to check for any open sores before I bareback.
• Was so pissed some asshole was giving me a dirty look in his car, but turned out it was just a dude with a lazy eye, in a wheelchair.
• Yo, I ain’t scared of no punkass deer, but I am afraid of cariBOO!
• This year, I’m spending Christmas at a Yoga Studio cuz I want more presence.
• I brought home a fat turkey and my mom said “I wish you’d bring home a skinny woman. A Korean one.”
• My nose started running and it got all snotty and pretentious.
• I use Gold Bond, cuz I got 99 problems, but an itch ain’t one.
• When looking for deals, don’t use Google or you’ll always be searching.
• Whenever I see a natural resource, I’m like “Yeah, I’d tap that”.
• OMG, I just heard “The Sign” on the radio. I wonder what that means…
• I used to be a peeping Tom, but I changed my name.
• John Lennon was murdered and exactly two years later I was born. Coincidence?Yes.
• I drink Oolong cold, cuz it feels oo wrong.
• News Items
• Petraeus claims nothing classified was ever leaked on to his mistress. Mistress also claims to have never been leaked upon.
• Suffering a minor stroke while playing cards, 72 year old Mike Ditka realized he needs a better poker face. 
• Today, scientists discovered a ‘homeless’ planet drifting through space and depreciating it.
• In other sad Hollywood News, Starz puts a lid on “Boss” starring Kelsie Grahamcracker
• Dolphins found shot and stabbed with screwdrivers in Louisiana and Mississippi in despicable acts of violence with no porpoise. 
• A new GAP billboard features Michael J Fox holding or violently shaking his wife. I can’t tell, it’s not a video.
• An antiquated state law in Oklahoma bans Black Friday and also Blacks.
• A hysterical woman in Boca Ratone pulls out a kitchen knife on a first date, cutting it short.
• Storm kills 1 in southern England, breaking the X-Man code.
• Hey Chicago Police Department, a streetlight just zapped out on Clark St. so watch out for Dumbledore.
• KC Chiefs beat the Carolina Panthers, then murdered them.

// Headlines Jokes 11/26-11/27//

Real News, real jokes, real silly.

• Nude AIDS activists invade the office John Boehner, and met by John’s boner.
• Bank of America CEO claims he doesn’t recall details of Countrywide acquisition and he wasn’t aware he had to answer “hard” questions.
• Hackers target keycard locks in hotels, hoping to leave their mom’s basements.
• Federal judge orders Tobacco companies to publicly admit they were aware of killing 1200 Americans a day. DAMN! I need a cigarette.
• Man in Florida shoots a 17 year old over loud music with a blunderbuss.
• Every day, you forget 80% of what you - hmm…
• Chinese Newspaper falls for The Onion’s Sexiest Man Alive: Kim Jong Un and reports a man coming to town, by the name of Santa Claus.
• If a dog’s mouth is so clean, why do my balls smell so nasty?
• Congo rebels receive unprecedented support from Rwanda, Uganda and LaFawnda from Brooklyn.
• Valdimir Putin was injured in judo match by a man who recently moved to Siberia.
• Tokyo’s been named the gourmet capital of the world by influential food critic Terry Yaki.
• Just 7 months after giving birth, Jessica Simpson is pregnant again, retaining most of her irrelevance.
• An American version of the hit series ‘Downton Abbey’ is in the works! Finally, a show celebrating rich people.
• Last year, 790 men in the UK got surgery for man boobs, all of who requested 34 double D’s.
• Kim Jong Un ships weapons to Syria and Burma, forging strategic alliances with nations more fucked up than his.
• Tomorrow, Obama and Romney will meet for a private lunch at the White House to discuss National Treasure 2.
• Apple fires the man responsible for Apple Maps, and hires a woman who stops to ask for directions.
• Swerving to avoid a pedestrian, a city bus crashed into a home, killing a child. An injured passenger claims he did not request that stop.
• Joseph Gordon Levitt to take over the role of the Dark Knight in the upcoming Warner Bros film - ‘Batman: AGAIN! 3D’
• Angus T. Jones, star of ‘Two and a Half Men’, calls his situational comedy ‘filth’, then apologizes for using the term ‘comedy’.

// Headline Jokes: 11/25- 11/26//

Two days of news punchlines and other silly shit:

• Ladies, it’s 2012! The only reason to belong to a “gym”, is if you are married to one.
• Storm kills 1 in southern England, breaking the X-Man code.
• Gangnam Style’ reaches 805 million views, making Psy the most famous celebrity you wouldn’t fuck.
• My sister knows my type, so she hooked me up with someone who’s face looks like my left hand.
• A Swedish study finds men with above average muscle strength live longer than men who give up.
• Every time I go to Carvel, I feel like a winner ordering Cookies N’ Kareem Abdul Jabbar.
• Unfortunately, a garment factory burned down in Bangladesh. Fortunately it was Ed Hardy’s.
• I use Gold Bond, cuz I got 99 problems, but an itch ain’t one.
• A woman in Florida was arrested for riding an endangered manatee and never calling him back.
• “Uh, excuse me, you mean Womanatee?”, replied the annoying endangered animal.
• Israel’s Minister of Defense suddenly resigned today, allowing him to be more strategic on eBay.
• A new law in Saudi Arabia makes sure that when women try to leave the country, their guardians are alerted by a smoke signal.
• Scandalous Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi offers to run for office again if the new party candidate cannot be bought.
• When looking for deals, don’t use Google or you’ll always be searching.
• A Brooklyn store owner narrowly escapes serial killer by swapping his hat for a lampshade
• After a twitter brawl with comedian Jenny Johnson, Chris Brown shuts down his account and starts a real brawl with Rihanna’s face.
• Researchers find that smoking rots your brain faster than listening to a song by Rebecca Black.
• The Powerball jackpot reaches record high of $500M, causing a frenzy of tickets purchased by the U.S. government.
• A Syrian cluster bomb hits a playground, killing 10 children and a pedophile. 
• If I win the lottery, I’d give 1/2 to Charity, my favorite stripper.

// Twisty News - 11/24/12//

Real headlines, twisted punchlines. Some aren’t even news items; just good ol’ silliness to break up your day. Enjoy!

• A hysterical woman in Boca Ratone pulls out a kitchen knife on a first date, cutting it short.
• A gas explosion blows up a strip club in Springfield, IL, injuring 21 people and killing 9 girls’ dreams of nursing school.
• Oat meal? No, I eat meals.
• A Swedish woman was arrested for making love to a skeleton, but she claims that they were just bonin’.
• Honestly, if Starbucks didn’t have free WiFi, I would stop watching day porn.
• Critics are heralding Ang Lee’s ‘Life of Pi’ as a cinematic masterpiece with stunning visuals of tasteful butt sex.
• I heard Green Tea was super anti-oxidant. But don’t we all hate accidents?
• A postcard sent during World War II was finally delivered to a New York State home today, by a mailman with no arms and legs.
• My nose started running and it got all snotty and pretentious.
• Hot desert mud is the fasting growing export to leave Nevada, second to shame.

// Headline Jokes: 11/15/12//

1. Petraeus claims nothing classified was ever leaked on to his mistress. Mistress also claims to have never been leaked upon.
2. An LA judge ruled today the First Amendment gives us the right to chase Justin Bieber with a giant butterfly net, with a camera function.
3. In preparation for President Obama’s first visit, the under-developed nation of Burma freed 452 prisoners, because they needed their slaves.
4. A recent Harvard study reports that men who have dogs and happy marriages live longer because they don’t kill themselves.
5. At $4.5B, BP pays America the highest price for spillage since Bill Clinton.
6. In China, Chairman Xi Jinping succeeds Chairman Hu Jintao as the worst name to shout in bed.
7. Obama’s giving out gifts to minorities and all I got was a shout out to Michelle.
8. Frito-Lay announced the launch of a caffeinated version of Cracker Jacks called Crack Jacks.
9. Frito-Lay to start making a caffeinated version of Cracker Jacks because baseball is fucking boring.
10. FDA records show 5-Hour Energy drinks linked to spontaneous abortions followed by intense munchies.

// A New Kind of Work Schedule//

Ever since I arrived in Chicago, I’ve been blessed/cursed with the one thing every one wants more of: TIME. Time is all I have these days because I don’t have a job and I’m developing myself as a writer/comedian, whatever the fuck that means…

After a few false starts over the summer and moving my life here, today, I finally started back up with a writing regimen with by buddy Brian. It helps me to keep accountable with a buddy because left to my own devices, I will undoubtedly default to maximum laziness. After 29 years of being told what to do, where to be, how to succeed, it’s strange to start taking control of your own work schedule and productivity. I feel like…. an adult, yikes.

I woke up early today and met Brian at our local cafe/writing den - The Bourgeois Pig - and we started off with some free writes, then moved on to writing some jokes based on news headlines and then a video sketch simple enough to adapt to stage. Today was one of the most productive writing days I’ve ever experienced and it went a little something like this:

8:30AM: early morning meet up, coffee, shake off the sleep

• 5 Minute Free Write: Object
• 10 Minute Free Write: POV
• 5 Minute Free Write: Location

9:00-9:30AM: Eat hearty breakfast and peruse the news

9:30AM - 12:00PM: Write 10 jokes premises based on news headlines (Brian leaves for work)

12PM: Well deserved Nap Time

2PM-3PM: Massage out Set Up/Punchlines in the 10 premises

3PM-4PM: Read anything else to shake that brain out. Books, articles, wikipedia, etc

4PM-6PM: Use twitter as a platform to edit jokes under 140 characters/work on other writing - sketches, solo pieces, spec scripts, etc

6PM: Stop working, start playing. Drink, smoke, perform, be merry.

10 Headline Jokes: 11.15.2012

• Yesterday, a plane crashed on its way to an FAA safety conference. Blackbox recordings revealed the pilot was blasting Morisette’s “Ironic”.
• A Holiday Inn was used as a “Black Prison” for anti-government protestors in Shanghai. 8/10 detainees preferred The Holiday Inn Express.
• PETA is enraged that Twilight’s red carpet event featured real wolves instead of real actors.
• Has anyone told The Discovery Channel that there are deadlier catches than crabs? Like HIV?
• Fishermen in San Francisco are reporting a scarcity of crabs due to an overall healthier lifestyle.
• After a scorching review of his restaurant by the New York Times, the former host of ‘Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives’ asked for his job back.
• Raising $375M, The Sotheby’s auction house breaks a single day record of being the richest garage sale ever.
• Today, labor unions striking across Europe stopped planes, trains and automobiles and got back to protesting austerity measures.
• Toyota recalls 2.8M cars made between 2000 and 2011. The 2012 Toyotas were made flawless and will not be called back for 11 years.
• Being so distraught over Obama’s recent victory, a 64 year old gay man, living in Florida, killed himself, 2 years ahead of schedule.

// Monolog Jokes 6/27-6/29//

So I figured that a social contract with the tumblr-verse would help me to stay on track and dissuade me from getting into the lazy zone. I hope 1 or 2 of these will make you giggle, as most of them will undoubtedly make you sound like my mom by saying “so this is what you’re doing in Chicago? Get back to work”.

• In hopes to curtail the surge in summer violence, Chicago PD is working with ex-felons to bust up fire hydrants and start a game of stickball.
• A study by the Wall Street Journal finds that Mac users spend significantly more on hotels and travel than their PC counterparts; making the Apple Store the preferred destination for gold diggers.
• JoJo, one of the world’s last lowland silverback gorillas was moved to The Brookfield Zoo to mate with 2 females who have only done this once before, in college.
• President Obama was BOO’d by the audience at The Boston Symphony Hall when he angered a crowd of Red Sox fans by using tri-syllabic words.
• Dwayne Wade’s ex-wife loses custody of her children helping the NBA star maintain his 2012 wining streak.
• Hot off the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”, last week, the Pentagon celebrated LGBT Pride for the first time by playing a giant game of “Never Have I Ever”.
• California officials pass a law to make couches and sofas more flame retardant without applying toxic chemicals. An annoying hipster comments, “um you mean flame-challenged?”
• A new study reveals that post weight loss, carb calories pack on more pounds than protein or fat calories. Kirstie Alley, the former spokeswoman for Weight Watchers, disagrees.
• The City Council votes to decriminalize marijuana in Chicago. Medical officials ask, “Do we have any Cheetos?”
• Unlike the rest of the country, the trucking industry is finding it difficult to hire new employees due to weak benefits, harsh working conditions and kids constantly wanting you to pull the damn horn.
• The National Occupy Movement plans to meet at Philadelphia’s Independence Hall on July 4th, transforming the iconic landmark into a giant port-a-potty.
• In a historic election, Mohammed Morsi becomes the first civilian leader of Egypt. His first official act in office is to acquire a hand gun.
• Leaders of France, Spain and Italy join forces to bully the German Chancellor, Angela Merkel, to compromise on the use of the EU bailout funds. Don’t worry Angela, “it gets better”.
• This Summer’s Olympic Games will be hosted in London for the second time. Much like the Octo-Mom, Londoners are against their tubes getting tied up.
• Magic Johnson launches his new cable network “Aspire”. Oprah Winfrey praises him for following in her footsteps by making more money.
• WikiLeaks announced the release of a musical compilation CD called “WOW: 2012 Hits and Assassinations.
• A Baltimore man was arrested for shooting marbles at a traffic camera with a sling shot. Sources say that he was bailed out by Good Ol’ Mr. Wilson.
• A lady in New Mexico was arrested for refusing to return Twilight books and DVDs to the local public library. In related news, New Mexico changes their state slogan to “Hey, Nothing Happens Here!”.
• RIM, the mobile company that makes Blackberries, announced that they are cutting 5,000 jobs, in an email from the CEO sent by his iPhone.
• Google announced that “Project Glass” will be available in stores in 2014. Pre-sales have gone through the roof globally, by amateur pornographers.

// Monolog Jokes 6/23 -6/24//

As a part of my summer intensive in Chicago, I’m taking some writing classes as well as improv and musical classes. My biggest issue, as with most writers, is that I lack the discipline to sit down and write. Most people will tell you that there is no secret to writing, it’s work! One particular class is challenging me to write late night monolog style jokes based on the news headlines of the day, everyday.

So I figured that a social contract with the tumblr-verse would help me to stay on track and dissuade me from getting into the lazy zone. I hope 1 or 2 of these will make you giggle, as most of them will undoubtedly make you sound like my mom by saying “so this is what you’re doing in Chicago? Get back to work”.

• Friday 6/23:
• After 3 straight days in the 90’s, the National Weather Service announced that Chicago may be in for some relief with a 60% chance of showers and a 40% chance of old people dying of natural causes.
• Mayor Rahm Emanuel proposes that Chicagoans start saving by buying their electricity in bulk and receiving their tax returns via gift cards for Costco.
• Yesterday, an ashamed Chicago attorney publicly admitted to turning tricks for $100, and also prostitution.
• Mayor Rahm Emanuel proposes that Chicago lessen the penalties of marijuana possession to simply a ticket of $250 or an ounce of your finest chronic.
• Casey Anthony’s journal is set to be published into a book inspired by a true story.

• Saturday 6/24:
• A city audit found that the Chicago Fire Department is spending over $84MM  in bonus pay for firefighters who get trained to handle hazardous materials. When asked to comment, the neighborhood mutant replied, “GRAR, RAWR, GWAR!”
• The city of Chicago is reported to spend over $19MM in “double time salary” to firefighters opting to work on holidays such as “Flag Day”. When asked to comment, Rick Santorum said, “I hate Flaggots”
• The City Council believes that issuing pot tickets will free up officers to tackle   the recent spike in homicides and violent crimes. The head of the Narcotics Department replied, “Nah, we’re good”.
• Today, lawyers released a statement alleging that Jerry Sandusky abused one of his five adopted sons while the other four boys developed body dysmorphia.
• Nadia Palacios admitted to torturing and aiding in the murder of a man who she believed raped her, but turned out to be a case of mistaken identity. In related news, the price of name tags skyrocket.
• After a drawn out exhumation of her father’s body, reality star and “mob wife” Nora Schwiehs is filing yet another motion to obtain a blood sample to prove the body is indeed her father’s. A Cook County judge responded “Fuhgetabouddit!”
• After distress calls like “my kids keep fighting over the remote” and “my son won’t eat his dinner”, Chicago PD is changing the way they respond to 911 calls by outsourcing them to India.
• A 15 year old autistic boy has been found 25 miles away in Glenview after disappearing from a University of Chicago Children’s Hospital last night. The police asked “how did this happen?” and the mother responded by exhaling a plume of smoke and saying “I guess it was the cigarettes”.
• A recent internet video of a 68 year old lady getting bullied and verbally abused by a group of 7th graders went viral yesterday enraging the public. The embarrassed parents of these students vow to severely punish them by revoking their Youtube privileges.
• The Supreme Court tossed out fines for cursing and nudity on TV, stating that “the regulations are antiquated and only apply to broadcast networks, so fuck it.”