// Meet Wong Simpleton: 1% & Depressed//

Introducing: Wong Simpleton. A software engineer @ Google. Makes $212,000 a year and is clinically depressed. His therapist urged him to write jokes about anything and everything that make him sad. Here they are, through his voice, enjoy!

• Sad Things
• Oat meal? No, I eat meals.
• The best part of waking up, is not having died in your sleep.
• Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t feel anything so you cut yourself.
• My grandpa smoked weed for the first time and he got all paranoid about having natural causes.
• The end of the world is near. Or not, I’m using Apple maps.
• My dad called me on my birthday and was like, “Oops, wrong number”.
• A recent Harvard study reports that men who have dogs and happy marriages live longer because they don’t kill themselves.
• A speeding train crashed into a bus and killed 50 kindergarteners in Egypt. “I wasn’t going there anyway” said Santa Claus.
• A Syrian cluster bomb hit a playground, killing 10 children and 1 pedophile.
• A city bus crashed into a home, killing a child. An injured passenger shouted, “Hey this aint my stop!”
• A recent study says women with blue eyes see better in the dark, so remember to wear a mask.
• I went to Amazon.com and got 60% off deforestation.
• I just went on Match.com  and bought a lighter.
• A postcard sent during World War II was finally delivered to a New York State home today, by a mailman with no arms and legs.
• Ladies, it’s 2012! The only reason to belong to a “gym”, is if you are married to one.
• Reflections
• I like meeting my therapist at Starbucks because it’s a great place to vent.
• Losing my virginity in Paris was rough because we ran out of louvre.
• While in Madrid, I ordered a cafe au lait and got attacked by a bull.
• I struggle when coming out of the handicap stall so people won’t judge me.
• Now that I’m 30, I choose not to argue with my parents and just stay at the kid’s table.
• The only reason I lube with Purell is to check for any open sores before I bareback.
• Was so pissed some asshole was giving me a dirty look in his car, but turned out it was just a dude with a lazy eye, in a wheelchair.
• Yo, I ain’t scared of no punkass deer, but I am afraid of cariBOO!
• This year, I’m spending Christmas at a Yoga Studio cuz I want more presence.
• I brought home a fat turkey and my mom said “I wish you’d bring home a skinny woman. A Korean one.”
• My nose started running and it got all snotty and pretentious.
• I use Gold Bond, cuz I got 99 problems, but an itch ain’t one.
• When looking for deals, don’t use Google or you’ll always be searching.
• Whenever I see a natural resource, I’m like “Yeah, I’d tap that”.
• OMG, I just heard “The Sign” on the radio. I wonder what that means…
• I used to be a peeping Tom, but I changed my name.
• John Lennon was murdered and exactly two years later I was born. Coincidence?Yes.
• I drink Oolong cold, cuz it feels oo wrong.
• News Items
• Petraeus claims nothing classified was ever leaked on to his mistress. Mistress also claims to have never been leaked upon.
• Suffering a minor stroke while playing cards, 72 year old Mike Ditka realized he needs a better poker face. 
• Today, scientists discovered a ‘homeless’ planet drifting through space and depreciating it.
• In other sad Hollywood News, Starz puts a lid on “Boss” starring Kelsie Grahamcracker
• Dolphins found shot and stabbed with screwdrivers in Louisiana and Mississippi in despicable acts of violence with no porpoise. 
• A new GAP billboard features Michael J Fox holding or violently shaking his wife. I can’t tell, it’s not a video.
• An antiquated state law in Oklahoma bans Black Friday and also Blacks.
• A hysterical woman in Boca Ratone pulls out a kitchen knife on a first date, cutting it short.
• Storm kills 1 in southern England, breaking the X-Man code.
• Hey Chicago Police Department, a streetlight just zapped out on Clark St. so watch out for Dumbledore.
• KC Chiefs beat the Carolina Panthers, then murdered them.

// Defining Your End Game//

It’s been 4 months since I moved to Chicago with great expectations of immersing in the scene via the big three comedy institutions. But as of late, I’ve been writing and performing more stand up and solo sketches than I ever imagined I would. My focus has completely shifted.

Chicago’s scene consists of a ton of young, talented performers whose paths of success have been paved by famous people’s tracks by getting on a Harold Team, then Second City Mainstage, then SNL. And then what? Maybe a movie. And then what? Maybe more money - and then WHAT??

After spending some time here , I realized that most people simply want some vague idea of fame: the Ultimate Validation. But it’s just not enough.

A lot of folks out here ask the same questions: “What classes are you taking? What level are you in? What team are you on?” As if simply going through the motions will magically transform you into Scott Adsit or Tina Fey. Sure Tim Robinson, my current comedy hero, went trough all the same steps but what we need to understand is that those steps were taken to develop his POV - which led him to produce his own work which led SNL to want him in this season’s cast.

Because most people don’t understand what they really want, it’s easy to fall into the traps of comparing yourself to others and feeling “ahead” or “behind” the curve. The truth of the matter is is that the curve is not real. The path laid out is an imaginary roadmap that we perceive in order to help build a context around the scariest unknown in life: The Future.

It’s important to clearly define your end game and put your head down and work. And just do YOU, not your version of somebody else. After diving in head first here, I realized that all of this nonsense comes down to me getting up every night and telling my story, which is constantly evolving. For me, life is too erratic and fucked up for me to experience it alone. I get on stage so I can feel connected to other human beings, to understand that I’m not alone. All the fame and possible fortune eventually leads back to this - the more people I can reach the better.

I’m reminded of the Robert Frost poem, but instead of choosing the road less traveled, I choose to pave a tertiary road, one no one’s walked yet. Be the first or be the best, leave the roads traveled for the rest. Below is an excerpt from Will Hines who talks about improv and its end game:

“I think a career in improv has seriously diminishing returns for stuff that translates into a paying job. At first, it can connect you to a network of like-minded people, and help you develop your voice and your confidence. And then after some amount of time, you’ve met the people you’re going to meet and your voice is as developed as it’s going to and you should get rid of all that time you’re spending in rehearsal and write your own stuff.” - Will Hines, UCBT NY

// Monolog Jokes 7/3-7/7//

As a part of my summer intensive in Chicago, I’m taking some writing classes as well as improv and musical classes. My biggest issue, as with most writers, is that I lack the discipline to sit down and write. Most people will tell you that there is no secret to writing, it’s work! One particular class is challenging me to write late night monolog style jokes based on the news headlines of the day, everyday.

So I figured that a social contract with the tumblr-verse would help me to stay on track and dissuade me from getting into the lazy zone. I hope 1 or 2 of these will make you giggle, as most of them will undoubtedly make you sound like my mom by saying “so this is what you’re doing in Chicago? Get back to work.”

• The Non-Profit org ‘Put Illinois to Work’ is being audited by accountants who have been long unemployed
• Annual food fest ‘Taste of Chicago’ is being cut down to 5 days due to an increase of better things to do.
• A teenage boy fell to his death in an abandoned hospital building yesterday. Mitt Romney blames Obamacare.
• Feds push for teacher evalutions in Illinois. A Chicago public school shut down claiming that its parents are getting divorced.
• After 20+ years in government, Hillary Clinton has announced she will be leaving the political scene to go watch Magic Mike.
• Diana Tremblay, GM’s Chief of Manufacturing, is tasked to launch the new line of SUVs and sweeping up the glass cieling.
• A 12 year old girl collects 150K signatures to outlaw plastic bags. The Mean Girls at her school look for a way to filibuster.
• A recent study finds that Chicagoans drink 28.9 gallons of beer per capita making Chicago the #1 city for useless studies.
• Facebook rolls out same sex marriage icons, finally letting gays publicly annouce their commitment to the same sex.
• Chris Brown releases his 5th studio album “Fortune” which is taking a beating in the charts.
• After shooting Trayvon Martin, George Zimmerman has been released on $1M bail. The relieved Floridian is excited for Harry Potter World.
• Hillary Clinton publicly blasts Russia and China for blocking the takedown of the Syrian regime. Great Britain ‘likes’ this.
• Mitt Romney says the US Unemployment Rate is a “kick in the guts” for Americans, while his Tax Rate is a “donkey punch”.
• Best Buy lays of 650 members of their Geek Squad causing a major influx in moms’ basements.
• Last week, Anderson Cooper publicly announced he is gay which inspired Gabourey Sidibe to admit she’s black.
• California approves the building of a railway between LA and SF, providing San Franciscans another way to avoid Los Angeles.
• 3 canines were set on fire and discarded in Philly. Local officials are worried the cheesesteak capital will now be known for hot dogs.
• Speed eating phenom Kobayashi was defeated by nemesis Joey Chestnut. Sources say the shamed runner up had his abdomen filled with his own dagger.
• 115 million Americans experienced a record breaking heat wave this week, helping Mr. Softee develop a brand new cocaine habit.
• Tomorrow, an internet blackout caused by the malware DNSChanger will force millions of teens to get off on their imaginations.
• A California jockey died from a violent fall off his steed. When asked for a comment, his horse responded, “Nay!”
• A lifeguard in Florida was fired for leaving his post to save a man drowning in an adjacent area of the ocean called Cuba.
• “Happy Days” actors settled a merchandising lawsuit with CBS proving that Joanie loves Chotchkies.

// Monolog Jokes 6/30-7/2//

So I figured that a social contract with the tumblr-verse would help me to stay on track and dissuade me from getting into the lazy zone. I hope 1 or 2 of these will make you giggle, as most of them will undoubtedly make you sound like my mom by saying “so this is what you’re doing in Chicago? Get back to work.”

• New TV ads for the Obama Campaign criticize Romney for outsourcing jobs as CEO of Bain & Co. The Romney campaign responds with TV ads for Bain & Co.
• Mitt Romney plans to travel to Israel this summer. The republican candiate is worried the current climate of the middle east will ruin his perfect hair.
• Beloved American actor, Andy Griffith passed away this week causing people around the world to vaguely recognize him on Wikipedia.
• Opting for a cheaper laser alternative, Aspen cut their usual fireworks for an intricate display of citizens waving around laser pointers.
• First term Gov. Rick Snyder of Michigan surprisingly vetoes a Voter ID Bill stating, “Awesome, I popped my Veto cherry!”
• Five climbers fell to their deaths on the Italian Alps after reaching their summit. A French climber commented that like all things, even the Alps are better in France.
• The French Police searched the home of former President Nicolas Sarkozy for evidence of illegally financing his election. Both Mitt Romney and President Obama praised the difficulty of tainting American politics, due to no limits on Corporate Donations.
• Due to ecological red flags, China will prohibit serving Shark Fin Soup in all official state ballrooms. Next week, China hosts President and Michelle Obama at Chang’s Shark Emporium and Buffet.
• The Ukrainian Parliament passed a bill reaffirming ‘Ukrainian’ as the sole national language, making ‘Russian’ speakers the Mexicans of Ukraine.
• The official motto of the Olympic Games this year is “Swifter, Higher, Stronger”, making the entire world wonder if anyone still gives a shit about Archery.
• Facebook blames NASDAQ for it’s botched I.P.O.; CEO Mark Zuckerberg is upset that  he has to wait till Christmas to buy himself an island.
• Apple paid $60MM to buy the trademark for ‘iPad’ in China. The tech giant owned the name for 2 days before it fell apart and caused lead poisoning.
• An NYC judge ordered Twitter to release an Occupy protestor’s tweets to the court. Almost all 3,000 of them consisted of twitpics of gross hippie tits.
• Today The FDA approved an at home H.I.V. test while Trojan filed for bankruptcy.
• An increase in commercial ships have contributed to the stark drop in the Blue Whale population. “I am fricking pissed!” exclaimed Poseidon. 
• A study by the BMJ found that a low-carb, high protein diet may increase the risk of heart disease, but will definitely increase the attention you get in a bikini.
• A recent study suggests that mental illness can be caused by a premature birth. Doctors say that mothers can carry to full term by thinking about baseball.
• Fans of WeatherUnderground.com are upset at recent acquisition by The Weather Channel. Fans are urged to find anything else to be a fanatic about.
• The IMF lowered its expectations for US’s economic growth this year. China was quick to remind the US that an A- is not an A.
• Popular English Soccer club Manchester United files for IPO, hoping to raise capital for the entire franchise to get Invisalign.

// Monolog Jokes 6/27-6/29//

So I figured that a social contract with the tumblr-verse would help me to stay on track and dissuade me from getting into the lazy zone. I hope 1 or 2 of these will make you giggle, as most of them will undoubtedly make you sound like my mom by saying “so this is what you’re doing in Chicago? Get back to work”.

• In hopes to curtail the surge in summer violence, Chicago PD is working with ex-felons to bust up fire hydrants and start a game of stickball.
• A study by the Wall Street Journal finds that Mac users spend significantly more on hotels and travel than their PC counterparts; making the Apple Store the preferred destination for gold diggers.
• JoJo, one of the world’s last lowland silverback gorillas was moved to The Brookfield Zoo to mate with 2 females who have only done this once before, in college.
• President Obama was BOO’d by the audience at The Boston Symphony Hall when he angered a crowd of Red Sox fans by using tri-syllabic words.
• Dwayne Wade’s ex-wife loses custody of her children helping the NBA star maintain his 2012 wining streak.
• Hot off the repeal of “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell”, last week, the Pentagon celebrated LGBT Pride for the first time by playing a giant game of “Never Have I Ever”.
• California officials pass a law to make couches and sofas more flame retardant without applying toxic chemicals. An annoying hipster comments, “um you mean flame-challenged?”
• A new study reveals that post weight loss, carb calories pack on more pounds than protein or fat calories. Kirstie Alley, the former spokeswoman for Weight Watchers, disagrees.
• The City Council votes to decriminalize marijuana in Chicago. Medical officials ask, “Do we have any Cheetos?”
• Unlike the rest of the country, the trucking industry is finding it difficult to hire new employees due to weak benefits, harsh working conditions and kids constantly wanting you to pull the damn horn.
• The National Occupy Movement plans to meet at Philadelphia’s Independence Hall on July 4th, transforming the iconic landmark into a giant port-a-potty.
• In a historic election, Mohammed Morsi becomes the first civilian leader of Egypt. His first official act in office is to acquire a hand gun.
• Leaders of France, Spain and Italy join forces to bully the German Chancellor, Angela Merkel, to compromise on the use of the EU bailout funds. Don’t worry Angela, “it gets better”.
• This Summer’s Olympic Games will be hosted in London for the second time. Much like the Octo-Mom, Londoners are against their tubes getting tied up.
• Magic Johnson launches his new cable network “Aspire”. Oprah Winfrey praises him for following in her footsteps by making more money.
• WikiLeaks announced the release of a musical compilation CD called “WOW: 2012 Hits and Assassinations.
• A Baltimore man was arrested for shooting marbles at a traffic camera with a sling shot. Sources say that he was bailed out by Good Ol’ Mr. Wilson.
• A lady in New Mexico was arrested for refusing to return Twilight books and DVDs to the local public library. In related news, New Mexico changes their state slogan to “Hey, Nothing Happens Here!”.
• RIM, the mobile company that makes Blackberries, announced that they are cutting 5,000 jobs, in an email from the CEO sent by his iPhone.
• Google announced that “Project Glass” will be available in stores in 2014. Pre-sales have gone through the roof globally, by amateur pornographers.

// Monolog Jokes 6/26//

So I figured that a social contract with the tumblr-verse would help me to stay on track and dissuade me from getting into the lazy zone. I hope 1 or 2 of these will make you giggle, as most of them will undoubtedly make you sound like my mom by saying “so this is what you’re doing in Chicago? Get back to work”.

// Monolog Jokes 6/25//

So I figured that a social contract with the tumblr-verse would help me to stay on track and dissuade me from getting into the lazy zone. I hope 1 or 2 of these will make you giggle, as most of them will undoubtedly make you sound like my mom by saying “so this is what you’re doing in Chicago? Get back to work”.

Sunday 6/25:

• SF Giant and two-time Cy Young winner Tim Lincecum is having a surprising year with a 6.19 ERA, making him the biggest fall from grace since Lucifer.
• Spacecraft Voyager 1 will be the first man-made object to leave the solar system and enter interstellar space - to which God responded, “Ok, that’s enough”
• Due to softening demand, gas is on track to drop to $3/gallon this fall, inciting hipsters to react by asking “what’s gas?” as they ride off on their fixie.
• “Women are significantly falling behind men in money management and knowledge of the financial markets” says a survey conducted by Adam Corolla.
• Oracle CEO Larry Ellison has agreed to pay $600MM for 98% of the Hawaiian island of Lanai - because in today’s economy, buying an entire island would be irresponsible.
• Twitter had its largest outrage yesterday causing ripples across the global community and forcing people to talk about their days at the dinner table.
• GM, America’s largest automaker, reports that 3 out of 4 Buicks sold last year were in China. The good news is that 4 Buicks were sold!
• Charlie Sheen stated that “Anger Management”, a new sit-com premiering on FX, will be his last TV show he does because the public is starting to recognize his transition into a full-blown tiger.
• Kelly Maconrad, the voice of Pixar’s first female lead, says she didn’t have to learn how to shoot arrows or ride a horse. Instead she learned how to be funny by listening to Adam Corolla’s podcast.
• The expansive AIDS Memorial Quilt will be displayed at the Smithsonian this summer with over 93,000 names on it. Among the first scheduled visitors are the Sisters of Perpetual Spring Break or “Tri-Delt”

// Monolog Jokes 6/23 -6/24//

As a part of my summer intensive in Chicago, I’m taking some writing classes as well as improv and musical classes. My biggest issue, as with most writers, is that I lack the discipline to sit down and write. Most people will tell you that there is no secret to writing, it’s work! One particular class is challenging me to write late night monolog style jokes based on the news headlines of the day, everyday.

So I figured that a social contract with the tumblr-verse would help me to stay on track and dissuade me from getting into the lazy zone. I hope 1 or 2 of these will make you giggle, as most of them will undoubtedly make you sound like my mom by saying “so this is what you’re doing in Chicago? Get back to work”.

• Friday 6/23:
• After 3 straight days in the 90’s, the National Weather Service announced that Chicago may be in for some relief with a 60% chance of showers and a 40% chance of old people dying of natural causes.
• Mayor Rahm Emanuel proposes that Chicagoans start saving by buying their electricity in bulk and receiving their tax returns via gift cards for Costco.
• Yesterday, an ashamed Chicago attorney publicly admitted to turning tricks for $100, and also prostitution.
• Mayor Rahm Emanuel proposes that Chicago lessen the penalties of marijuana possession to simply a ticket of $250 or an ounce of your finest chronic.
• Casey Anthony’s journal is set to be published into a book inspired by a true story.

• Saturday 6/24:
• A city audit found that the Chicago Fire Department is spending over $84MM  in bonus pay for firefighters who get trained to handle hazardous materials. When asked to comment, the neighborhood mutant replied, “GRAR, RAWR, GWAR!”
• The city of Chicago is reported to spend over $19MM in “double time salary” to firefighters opting to work on holidays such as “Flag Day”. When asked to comment, Rick Santorum said, “I hate Flaggots”
• The City Council believes that issuing pot tickets will free up officers to tackle   the recent spike in homicides and violent crimes. The head of the Narcotics Department replied, “Nah, we’re good”.
• Today, lawyers released a statement alleging that Jerry Sandusky abused one of his five adopted sons while the other four boys developed body dysmorphia.
• Nadia Palacios admitted to torturing and aiding in the murder of a man who she believed raped her, but turned out to be a case of mistaken identity. In related news, the price of name tags skyrocket.
• After a drawn out exhumation of her father’s body, reality star and “mob wife” Nora Schwiehs is filing yet another motion to obtain a blood sample to prove the body is indeed her father’s. A Cook County judge responded “Fuhgetabouddit!”
• After distress calls like “my kids keep fighting over the remote” and “my son won’t eat his dinner”, Chicago PD is changing the way they respond to 911 calls by outsourcing them to India.
• A 15 year old autistic boy has been found 25 miles away in Glenview after disappearing from a University of Chicago Children’s Hospital last night. The police asked “how did this happen?” and the mother responded by exhaling a plume of smoke and saying “I guess it was the cigarettes”.
• A recent internet video of a 68 year old lady getting bullied and verbally abused by a group of 7th graders went viral yesterday enraging the public. The embarrassed parents of these students vow to severely punish them by revoking their Youtube privileges.
• The Supreme Court tossed out fines for cursing and nudity on TV, stating that “the regulations are antiquated and only apply to broadcast networks, so fuck it.”