// Headlines Jokes 11/26-11/27//

Real News, real jokes, real silly.

• Nude AIDS activists invade the office John Boehner, and met by John’s boner.
• Bank of America CEO claims he doesn’t recall details of Countrywide acquisition and he wasn’t aware he had to answer “hard” questions.
• Hackers target keycard locks in hotels, hoping to leave their mom’s basements.
• Federal judge orders Tobacco companies to publicly admit they were aware of killing 1200 Americans a day. DAMN! I need a cigarette.
• Man in Florida shoots a 17 year old over loud music with a blunderbuss.
• Every day, you forget 80% of what you - hmm…
• Chinese Newspaper falls for The Onion’s Sexiest Man Alive: Kim Jong Un and reports a man coming to town, by the name of Santa Claus.
• If a dog’s mouth is so clean, why do my balls smell so nasty?
• Congo rebels receive unprecedented support from Rwanda, Uganda and LaFawnda from Brooklyn.
• Valdimir Putin was injured in judo match by a man who recently moved to Siberia.
• Tokyo’s been named the gourmet capital of the world by influential food critic Terry Yaki.
• Just 7 months after giving birth, Jessica Simpson is pregnant again, retaining most of her irrelevance.
• An American version of the hit series ‘Downton Abbey’ is in the works! Finally, a show celebrating rich people.
• Last year, 790 men in the UK got surgery for man boobs, all of who requested 34 double D’s.
• Kim Jong Un ships weapons to Syria and Burma, forging strategic alliances with nations more fucked up than his.
• Tomorrow, Obama and Romney will meet for a private lunch at the White House to discuss National Treasure 2.
• Apple fires the man responsible for Apple Maps, and hires a woman who stops to ask for directions.
• Swerving to avoid a pedestrian, a city bus crashed into a home, killing a child. An injured passenger claims he did not request that stop.
• Joseph Gordon Levitt to take over the role of the Dark Knight in the upcoming Warner Bros film - ‘Batman: AGAIN! 3D’
• Angus T. Jones, star of ‘Two and a Half Men’, calls his situational comedy ‘filth’, then apologizes for using the term ‘comedy’.

// Headline Jokes: 11/25- 11/26//

Two days of news punchlines and other silly shit:

• Ladies, it’s 2012! The only reason to belong to a “gym”, is if you are married to one.
• Storm kills 1 in southern England, breaking the X-Man code.
• Gangnam Style’ reaches 805 million views, making Psy the most famous celebrity you wouldn’t fuck.
• My sister knows my type, so she hooked me up with someone who’s face looks like my left hand.
• A Swedish study finds men with above average muscle strength live longer than men who give up.
• Every time I go to Carvel, I feel like a winner ordering Cookies N’ Kareem Abdul Jabbar.
• Unfortunately, a garment factory burned down in Bangladesh. Fortunately it was Ed Hardy’s.
• I use Gold Bond, cuz I got 99 problems, but an itch ain’t one.
• A woman in Florida was arrested for riding an endangered manatee and never calling him back.
• “Uh, excuse me, you mean Womanatee?”, replied the annoying endangered animal.
• Israel’s Minister of Defense suddenly resigned today, allowing him to be more strategic on eBay.
• A new law in Saudi Arabia makes sure that when women try to leave the country, their guardians are alerted by a smoke signal.
• Scandalous Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi offers to run for office again if the new party candidate cannot be bought.
• When looking for deals, don’t use Google or you’ll always be searching.
• A Brooklyn store owner narrowly escapes serial killer by swapping his hat for a lampshade
• After a twitter brawl with comedian Jenny Johnson, Chris Brown shuts down his account and starts a real brawl with Rihanna’s face.
• Researchers find that smoking rots your brain faster than listening to a song by Rebecca Black.
• The Powerball jackpot reaches record high of $500M, causing a frenzy of tickets purchased by the U.S. government.
• A Syrian cluster bomb hits a playground, killing 10 children and a pedophile. 
• If I win the lottery, I’d give 1/2 to Charity, my favorite stripper.

// Twisty News - 11/24/12//

Real headlines, twisted punchlines. Some aren’t even news items; just good ol’ silliness to break up your day. Enjoy!

• A hysterical woman in Boca Ratone pulls out a kitchen knife on a first date, cutting it short.
• A gas explosion blows up a strip club in Springfield, IL, injuring 21 people and killing 9 girls’ dreams of nursing school.
• Oat meal? No, I eat meals.
• A Swedish woman was arrested for making love to a skeleton, but she claims that they were just bonin’.
• Honestly, if Starbucks didn’t have free WiFi, I would stop watching day porn.
• Critics are heralding Ang Lee’s ‘Life of Pi’ as a cinematic masterpiece with stunning visuals of tasteful butt sex.
• I heard Green Tea was super anti-oxidant. But don’t we all hate accidents?
• A postcard sent during World War II was finally delivered to a New York State home today, by a mailman with no arms and legs.
• My nose started running and it got all snotty and pretentious.
• Hot desert mud is the fasting growing export to leave Nevada, second to shame.

// Shush Your Kids!//

Splitting my time all week between Old Town, Wriggleyville and Uptown, I find myself on the CTA Red Line quite often. Mix incenessant construction with Cubs traffic and a rush hour exodus from the Loop and you get a consistently overcrowded, smelly and loud (if not violent and criminal) train ride.

Today, amidst the special concentration of Thanksgiving weekend, I was in a more agitated state when I heard the unholy screeching of a demonic child thrashing around in her stroller. We were too tightly packed in for me to swing my fat head around to identify and psychically scold the devil babe. So I stood there, cursing myself for not bringing ear phones and cursing the mother that bore this hölle kind.

Then I started thinking - Why do mothers NOT shush their children? I don’t get it. I understand the need to raise your children with less boundaries to promote experiential development, but come on! Shush your fucking kid! I started to become angrier at the mother than I was at the child. The kid doesn’t know better, how would it? It’s a stupid baby, a moron, no sense of right or wrong. But the mother does! Shush your kid! What is she supposed to learn from this? That you can act like a fucking asshole on a train and get away with it? That’s not life! That’s not how it works sister; if you don’t want your daughter to grow up to be a horrible, spoiled little twat, SHUSH YOUR KID!

Bing Bong, the train doors slide open at Belmont to let out a stream of commuters. I turned around to face the duo responsible for my excited state of train-rage. And that’s when my face flushed with so much heat, I thought my head could explode into a bloody geiser. There she stood, the mother, wearing a cheap polyester track suit and a ponytail, defeated, pushing around a child of an age no younger than 12. That’s when I knew I had some serious anger issues. I was enraged at a mother trying to cope with an unruly, developmentally challenged tween, in a fancy wheelchair.

She started to thrash around and scream. Mortified, I turned my gaze quickly stared sharply into the corner. Then something fucking amazing happened.  A man walked into the car and notices the commotion and comments, “Oh, first time in a carriage, huh?” The mother, without ever making eye contact, “Nope.” Bing Bong. 

// Post Thanksgiving BLARGH!//

Thanksgiving was quiet and intimate this year, per usual. Not sure if it was weight of all the starchy sides, but I felt extremely heavy and unproductive. But did manage eek out 20 jokes - Thanksgiving and headline based over the holiday lull.

I’m trying to be OK with not strictly writing headline jokes, but because I’m not a natural news junkie, I feel like I have to train myself to stay on top of current events and world economies, politics, blargh, blorf, brrrffphhhhh. Here they are, thanks for continuing to read these, if you are!

• A Police Officer in Florida resigns after admitting he’d volunteer to kill Obama if he was wearing a hoodie. 
• On Thanksgiving, I love listening to the Lonely Island classic: “I’m on a Gravy Boat!”
• My doctor says I should really stop eating when I’m full, so I’m getting a third opinion.
• I feel bad for people who have to work at Walmart on Black Friday, and every other day.
• I used to participate in Black Friday but I ran out of face paint.
• Yo, I just got the worst deal on Black Friday, so I’ll fold.
• Woke up at 5AM so I can be the first in line for the ‘As Seen on eBay’ store.
• I went to Amazon.com and got 60% off deforestation.
• Eating leftovers this morning makes me feel like I lost last night.
• Nothing helps you appreciate what you have until you spend Thanksgiving with a vegetarian.
• Mohammed Morsi claims that he was divinely appointed to lead Egypt. “Damn, y’all still around?”, asked God.
• Yassir Arafat’s body will be exhumed next week because a cease-fire in the Middle East is boring.
• Washington DC’s infamous murder rate is at a record low this year at less than 100 per minute.
• Norwegian mass murderer Anders Breivick complains about strict conditions in prison and requests he be allowed to kill people.
• An antiquated state law in Oklahoma bans Black Friday and also Blacks.
• Celebs pay $200K for a ticket on Virgin Galactic, which includes a half-can of Diet Coke.
• A coin dating back to colonial Massachusetts was found in a field and sold for $430K, which in 1652, was only worth 2 slaves.
• Scientist discovered a gene that can predict the time of day you will die, so if I’m not tweeting after 3PM, call someone.
• Google Fiber rolling out faster internet & better customer service than cable, causing Xfinity to change their name to Xfinished.
• A British man stood naked for 3 hours on top of a statue of Prince George, politely apologizing the whole time.

// Wake and Make Jokes//

• News Corp pays $670M for the Yankees’ Network, and YES, I’m still unemployed.
• The Big Ten adds U of Maryland and Rutgers U to their conference, totaling 14 schools that probably won’t get you a job.
• Voice of Elmo, Kevin Clash, resigns from Sesame Street to work on MTV’s Sweet 16.
• I struggle when coming out of the handicap stall so people won’t judge me.
• Now that I’m 30, I choose not to argue with my parents and just stay at the kid’s table.
• Caricaturists are usually super humble because they have tiny heads.
• The only reason I lube with Purell is to check for any open sores before I bareback.
• Fiona Apple cancels her concert to be with her dying dog, causing male ticket holders to get laid another night.
• In other sad Hollywood News, Starz puts a lid on “Boss”, starring Kelsie Grahamcracker.
• A recent study says women with blue eyes see better in the dark, so remember to wear a mask.
• Was so pissed some asshole gave me a dirty look in his car, but turned out it was just a dude with a lazy eye, in a wheelchair.
• A recent study found that eating bananas in public will attract mosquitos and depraved men.
• A new GAP billboard features Michael J Fox holding or violently shaking his wife. I can’t tell, it’s not a video.
• Since 2008, we are seeing a record number of new homes being built by tiny hands overseas.
• Critics slam Lindsay Lohan’s performance as Elizabeth Taylor, though she never reads bad reviews because of her illiteracy.
• A Polish man confesses his Parliament bombing plan to a priest, using a megaphone.
• When I was young, I wanted to be a Triad member because they were into cool shit like Honda Civics and sex slavery.
• Dolphins found shot and stabbed with screwdrivers in Louisiana and Mississippi, in despicable acts of violence with no porpoise. 
• Buffets play slow background music to make you eat slower so you don’t suffocate while filling the emotional void.
• A hunter in Oregon was crushed by tree working for PETA.

// Headline Jokes: 11/18/12//

Twisted News!

• In LA, EMTs rushed to a collision between two helicopters after receiving an anonymous call saying “GET TO DA CHOPPERS!”
• In response to Gaza Strip tensions, President Obama said Israel has every right to defend itself, at 3PM, by the Old Oak Tree.
• A runaway freight train in Midland, Texas hit a parade float carrying wounded veterans, spoiling the plot for Final Destination 9.
• An incredibly sick serial killer targeting three 60+ year old shop owners was identified by the tire tracks from his wheelchair.
• While in Madrid, I ordered a cafe au lait and got attacked by a bull.
• I like meeting my therapist at Starbucks because it’s a great place to venti.
• Taylor Swift is allegedly cheating on her boyfriend because she ran out of shit to sing about.
• A nationwide shortage of pharmaceutical drugs is forcing doctors to prescribe prayer.
• Canadian Neurologists have discovered a way to communicate with vegetables by speaking directly into an ear of corn.
• While in prison, mass murderer Anders Breivik sent fan mail to neo-Nazi Beate Zschäpe, who is known to prefer texts.

// Headline Jokes: 11/17/12//

More twists on real news:

• When weapons-grade Uranium is produced by Iran, you run.
• A gun shop in Pinetop, Arizona refuses to serve Obama voters, alienating zero people.
• Suffering a minor stroke while playing cards, 72 year old Mike Ditka realized he needs a better poker face. 
• NY District Attorney, Mark Suben, admits to acting in adult films including ‘Raw School’, ‘A Torn Knee’ and ‘Pee Bargain’.
• A Stanford Genetics professor claims that humanity has been dumbing down for thousands of years, or something like that.
• Indiana man got paid $15K to get the Romney/Ryan campaign logo permanently tattooed on his face. “That’s fucking retarded”, said Mike Tyson.
• Kevin Clash, Elmo’s puppeteer, paid his lover $125,000 to label their sex as ‘adult’ and ‘consensual’ instead of ‘nasty’.
• A speeding train crashes into a bus and kills 50 kindergarteners in Egypt. “I wasn’t going there anyway” said Santa Claus.
• Today, scientists discovered a ‘homeless’ planet drifting through space and depreciating it.
• Losing my virginity in Paris was rough because we ran out of louvre.

// Headline Jokes: 11/15/12//

1. Petraeus claims nothing classified was ever leaked on to his mistress. Mistress also claims to have never been leaked upon.
2. An LA judge ruled today the First Amendment gives us the right to chase Justin Bieber with a giant butterfly net, with a camera function.
3. In preparation for President Obama’s first visit, the under-developed nation of Burma freed 452 prisoners, because they needed their slaves.
4. A recent Harvard study reports that men who have dogs and happy marriages live longer because they don’t kill themselves.
5. At $4.5B, BP pays America the highest price for spillage since Bill Clinton.
6. In China, Chairman Xi Jinping succeeds Chairman Hu Jintao as the worst name to shout in bed.
7. Obama’s giving out gifts to minorities and all I got was a shout out to Michelle.
8. Frito-Lay announced the launch of a caffeinated version of Cracker Jacks called Crack Jacks.
9. Frito-Lay to start making a caffeinated version of Cracker Jacks because baseball is fucking boring.
10. FDA records show 5-Hour Energy drinks linked to spontaneous abortions followed by intense munchies.