// Monolog Jokes 6/30-7/2//
As a part of my summer intensive in Chicago, I’m taking some writing classes as well as improv and musical classes. My biggest issue, as with most writers, is that I lack the discipline to sit down and write. Most people will tell you that there is no secret to writing, it’s work! One particular class is challenging me to write late night monolog style jokes based on the news headlines of the day, everyday.
So I figured that a social contract with the tumblr-verse would help me to stay on track and dissuade me from getting into the lazy zone. I hope 1 or 2 of these will make you giggle, as most of them will undoubtedly make you sound like my mom by saying “so this is what you’re doing in Chicago? Get back to work.”
- New TV ads for the Obama Campaign criticize Romney for outsourcing jobs as CEO of Bain & Co. The Romney campaign responds with TV ads for Bain & Co.
- Mitt Romney plans to travel to Israel this summer. The republican candiate is worried the current climate of the middle east will ruin his perfect hair.
- Beloved American actor, Andy Griffith passed away this week causing people around the world to vaguely recognize him on Wikipedia.
- Opting for a cheaper laser alternative, Aspen cut their usual fireworks for an intricate display of citizens waving around laser pointers.
- First term Gov. Rick Snyder of Michigan surprisingly vetoes a Voter ID Bill stating, “Awesome, I popped my Veto cherry!”
- Five climbers fell to their deaths on the Italian Alps after reaching their summit. A French climber commented that like all things, even the Alps are better in France.
- The French Police searched the home of former President Nicolas Sarkozy for evidence of illegally financing his election. Both Mitt Romney and President Obama praised the difficulty of tainting American politics, due to no limits on Corporate Donations.
- Due to ecological red flags, China will prohibit serving Shark Fin Soup in all official state ballrooms. Next week, China hosts President and Michelle Obama at Chang’s Shark Emporium and Buffet.
- The Ukrainian Parliament passed a bill reaffirming ‘Ukrainian’ as the sole national language, making ‘Russian’ speakers the Mexicans of Ukraine.
- The official motto of the Olympic Games this year is “Swifter, Higher, Stronger”, making the entire world wonder if anyone still gives a shit about Archery.
- Facebook blames NASDAQ for it’s botched I.P.O.; CEO Mark Zuckerberg is upset that he has to wait till Christmas to buy himself an island.
- Apple paid $60MM to buy the trademark for ‘iPad’ in China. The tech giant owned the name for 2 days before it fell apart and caused lead poisoning.
- An NYC judge ordered Twitter to release an Occupy protestor’s tweets to the court. Almost all 3,000 of them consisted of twitpics of gross hippie tits.
- Today The FDA approved an at home H.I.V. test while Trojan filed for bankruptcy.
- An increase in commercial ships have contributed to the stark drop in the Blue Whale population. “I am fricking pissed!” exclaimed Poseidon.
- A study by the BMJ found that a low-carb, high protein diet may increase the risk of heart disease, but will definitely increase the attention you get in a bikini.
- A recent study suggests that mental illness can be caused by a premature birth. Doctors say that mothers can carry to full term by thinking about baseball.
- Fans of WeatherUnderground.com are upset at recent acquisition by The Weather Channel. Fans are urged to find anything else to be a fanatic about.
- The IMF lowered its expectations for US’s economic growth this year. China was quick to remind the US that an A- is not an A.
- Popular English Soccer club Manchester United files for IPO, hoping to raise capital for the entire franchise to get Invisalign.
